Stuck in a rut
People don't stay the same and neither do relationships. One of the things that couples cite over and over again is how their sex life changes. In the early years sex is often urgent and exciting. Many couples will grab every opportunity they can to make love and sex is often a big part of their relationship. But inevitably the falling in love stage matures and sex matures as well. For some couples this can bring feelings of anxiety. But as long as you recognise that this is a natural part of a relationship then both of you can make the necessary adjustments.
The first noticeable change often coincides with living together. When you know that you'll see each other tomorrow - and the next day and the next day - sex becomes less urgent. You're also likely to be seeing a lot more of each other's daily living habits. Cutting toenails, unblocking drains and collapsing exhausted from work can detract from the mystery and familiarity tends to settle in. You may also have children around which can make it harder to find the time and the privacy that you used to enjoy.
Living together brings challenges to any couple and it's very common for couples to begin to argue as they negotiate the rules and roles of their relationship. This extra tension often means that neither partner feels in the mood for sex.
Long Term Relationships
Sex in a long term relationship does not have to get stuck in a rut. Whether or not you find sex boring is often more about attitude than the things you actually do. As your relationship continues to mature - sex matures as well, but like a fine wine, it can become richer and fruitier! As you get to know each other more and more, a deeper trust develops. You're less likely to feel inhibited and you can look forward to a new stage of sexual experimentation. Without the initial insecurities, you can take the time to learn to become great lovers together.
Keeping Sex Sexy
If your sex life seems to be slipping into a rut then you and your partner need to make a commitment to getting things back on track again. You'll both need to accept that sex changes over time and the mere sight of their partner may no longer send you into a lustful frenzy. And you'll need to commit to not letting sex become predictable. As your relationship continues to mature, you need to agree that you will make more effort - not less.
They commit to being romantic and seductive with each other, no matter how well they know each other.
They make an effort to always look their best and make time to enjoy each others company.
They make touch and loving words important parts of their daily routine.
They agree not to fall for the myth that great sex has to be spontaneous.
Regardless of how busy their diaries get, they make time to be sensual and sexual.
And they certainly don't fall for the myth that lust equals love - they know that they must take responsibility for their own sexual desire, and also find new ways to turn each other on.
Couples who still enjoy a great sex life after 10, 20 or even 50 years together, aren't lucky - they're committed. They recognise the boredom traps and get out of them fast.
Tips for beating sexual boredom
- Make an effort to always look your best for your partner and keep yourself in good health
- Take any and every opportunity to be romantic, to touch, to share loving words
- Change the scenery - bathroom, living room, alfresco
- Watch an erotic movie together to get you in the mood or share an erotic story
- Experiment with new sexual positions
- Introduce a new sex toy
- Change the way you initiate sex - maybe something more daring or more romantic
- Play some role play sex games
- Learn a new stimulation technique
How Relate can help:
If problems in your sex life are affecting your relationship then you can make an appointment to see a Relate sex therapist. They will work with you and your partner to help you to build a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. Click here to find your nearest Relate.
- Association for Family Therapy
- Brook Advisory Centre
- Dad's Info
- Families Need Fathers
- Family and Parenting Institute - The Family Room
- Family Doctor books
- Fatherhood Institute
- Kids in the Middle
- Men’s Health Forum
- Money Advice Service
- Relate for Parents
- Sorting out separation web app
- Time for Families
What type of person are you in a relationship?