Lots of people have difficulties with this from time to time. Feeling anxious, unrelaxed or just tired can all contribute towards spoiling a sexual encounter.
It's worth remembering when it comes to sex, having an orgasm does not have to be the goal every time, or for some people, any of the time. Getting to know what suits you and a partner is the really important thing; learning what turns you on whether you’re on your own or with someone is key.
Premature ejaculation
Premature or rapid ejaculation is when a person ejaculates too quickly for their or their partner’s satisfaction. What feels OK for some may not be satisfactory for others and if either you or your partner feels that orgasm is happening too soon then there may be a degree of rapid ejaculation present. It’s one of the most common difficulties for people in the bedroom but it's good to know that it's also one of the most straightforward problems to get help with.
Some people have always experienced rapid ejaculation and there can be many reasons for this ranging from early learning about sex and masturbation to sexual trauma or just basic anxiety with or without a partner. Sometimes, it can just down to the nerves in the penis being slightly more sensitive.
In some cases, problems with rapid ejaculation start later in life and can be due to both organic and psychological problems. Alcohol and recreational drugs may also play a part in causing rapid ejaculation as well as stress, depression and anxiety about ‘getting it right’ especially at the start of a relationship. These can all potentially contribute to this difficulty.
If you’re experiencing issues with rapid ejaculation, it may be helpful to talk it through with your GP who can screen for any underlying problems. Where there may be difficulties with stress or anxiety they may suggest that you come and talk with a sex therapist.
Delayed ejaculation
Like rapid ejaculation, this is an issue that many will have experienced from time to time and it may be helpful to remember that as ejaculation may take a little longer as someone ages. This is entirely normal.
The most common form of delayed ejaculation is where someone can usually ejaculate through masturbation or oral sex but finds it difficult to do this during penetrative sex. However, for some people, ejaculation under any circumstances is a real problem. Sometimes it’s present from early on whereas for others it’s a problem that develops later in life.
Many things can contribute to delayed ejaculation. Certain medications, surgery and some health conditions can have an impact on how long it takes to ejaculate or whether it’s possible to do it at all. Psychological factors such as depression, the effects of trauma and even relationship issues can also play a part.
If you’re worried about problems with delayed ejaculation, talking with your GP can help you work out the best way to deal with the issue.
Can't reach orgasm?
Difficulty reaching orgasm is more common than you might think. Various things can contribute to this experience, including stress, anxiety, past trauma, physical conditions, hormonal imbalances, or even the side effects of certain medications. If you think it is linked to medication speak to your GP – there may be alternative medication available. Importantly, it’s a spectrum – some people may experience occasional challenges, while for others, it might be a persistent occurrence.
We’re often presented with a narrow depiction of sexual experiences, leading many people to believe there’s a “normal” way to achieve sexual satisfaction. However, sexual experiences are diverse, and there’s no one-size-fits-all method or timeline for reaching orgasm, what’s important is discovering what works best for you.
But understanding your body and what it needs doesn’t happen overnight. One thing that can help you develop this understanding is masturbation, allowing you to explore what feels good without the pressure of a partner’s expectations. Incorporating sex toys or trying different positions can also lead to new sensations. Remember, there’s no rush, and the journey can be enjoyed as much as the destination.
Take our sex and intimacy quiz
Regardless of what's going on with the hardware, it’s really important to understand what arouses you and that any partner knows this too. One of the biggest sex myths is that a partner should instinctively know what you like. In fact, everyone’s sexual response is unique and good communication with a partner is essential to ensure that your own specific needs can be met.
If you’re concerned that things aren’t working as you’d like, or you’re not sure what a partner is feeling about the sex you’re having, talking together about yours and their sexual needs may be a good place to start.
If you're not sure what's going on in your sex life, or how to talk about it with the person or people you're sleeping with, then our quiz might help.
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