Common Problems
I've had an affair, how do I tell my partner?
- Choose a venue where you are unlikely to be disturbed.
- Make time available rather than rush through your discussion because you have to leave
- Be honest. Explain that you have something difficult to say and then say "I have had an affair". Avoid using euphemisms such as "I have someone else" or "I feel strongly for another person", as they may be confusing for your partner
- Avoid intimate details of the affair at this stage. For instance do not go into detail about the wonderful sex or weekend in a hotel. Your partner will be having a hard enough time getting to grips with the idea that you have had an affair, let alone the nitty-gritty of the relationship.
- Offer an explanation of why you think the affair happened. Avoid putting all the blame on your partner. For instance, do not say, "If only you had been more attentive I wouldn't have needed to confide in him/her", Instead explain any of the contributory issues that are appropriate and truthful. For example, you might say "I have been under terrific pressure at work that we did not talk about much. She/he was supportive and an affair developed.
How Relate can help:
Relate counsellors can help you as couple or on your own to understand how you've arrived at this point. For face to face counselling contact your nearest Relate or have counselling by phone. A Relate book that can help is After the Affair by Julia Cole.
