Common Problems
I have difficulty reaching orgasm (Heterosexual Woman)
Research suggests that 1 in 4 women will have problem reaching orgasm at some stage in their life. A further 25-35% may never have experienced orgasm. Difficulty reaching orgasm during intercourse is the norm. In fact, an estimated 70% of women don't ever have penetrative orgasms.
If your problem is during penetration but you don't have difficulties with other forms of stimulation, then you may find that changing your sexual position will help. The common man-on-top position rarely provides adequate clitoral stimulation to trigger orgasm, but some women find that if they are on top then orgasm is easier. However, for some couples the way their bodies fit together means that it won't ever be possible without some extra stimulation from a finger or vibrator, which either partner can easily provide.
If you can't reach orgasm during any form of stimulation. Particularly if you have never achieved orgasm, then the first thing you need to do is work out what's causing the problem.
Physical causes
There are very few medical reasons why a woman can't reach orgasm but if you have a diagnosed neurological, vascular or hormone problem then check with your doctor. The problem could be a side effect of medication and very occasionally pelvic surgery can cause nerve damage and loss of sensation.
The most common physical cause is a lack of adequate stimulation. Most women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to achieve orgasm. The second most common factor is tiredness or general illness. Our bodies need to be in general good health in order to enjoy sex.
Psychological causes
Many women experience a range of psychological problems that makes orgasm illusive. The most common is known as "spectatoring". When an orgasm seems to be taking for ever, many women detach from what's happening and become orgasm watchers. Anxiety increases and rather than enjoying the moment, they're getting increasingly impatient with themselves. Some women find they are easily distracted from what's going on, worrying about things to be done or worrying about how their body looks to their partner. Negative sexual messages from the past can leave a woman feeling uncomfortable about being sexually aroused or fearful of losing control. Relationship problems are also a major contributor to sexual dissatisfaction. If there is unresolved tension with your partner, then your physical relationship will inevitably suffer.
Self help techniques
- Relax - this is the most important thing you can do to reach orgasm. Take time out before you make love to relax in the bath and pamper yourself or share a massage first.
- Talk - discuss the problem with your partner. Tell them that this is something you want to overcome and talk about what you can do together to minimise distractions and increase stimulation
- Show - next time your partner is caressing you, put your hand over theirs and show them the kind of pressure and stroke that you enjoy.
- Practice - it's going to take patience and practice to overcome this problem so make sure you're both committed to the process and enjoy it.
Other sources of help
If you've tried all the steps above and are still struggling after a couple of months, then you can make an appointment to see a sex therapist at your local Relate. A therapist will work with you alone, or you and your partner, whichever is most appropriate, to help you recognise and resolve any psychological issues and set you a series of homework exercises to help you to overcome the problem.
