Lessons in love

You're already a great couple, but could you be even better together? Are you storing up any little niggles that could develop into problems down the line? No one has a crystal ball, which makes pre-wedding counselling a sensible option for any couple about to step down the aisle.

'Working on your relationship in the run-up to your wedding is a proactive way to enhance your love,' says Relate counsellor Sandra Russell. We can all get caught up in the excitement of planning the dress and the cake, and lose sight of what it's actually going to mean to be someone's wife or husband ­ and what you want it to mean. 'Most forms of marriage preparation aren't about giving blueprints for how to live your life. Nor are they about solving specific problems ­ you may not have any,' says Sandra. 'They're a fun, intimate way to spend time with your partner and focus on the two of you ­ something that's really nice to do before your wedding.' So while you're wandering round John Lewis, picking items for your gift list, why not consider one more addition? Some premarital preparation could be the best present you give yourselves.

Caroline says: When John proposed last year, I was thrilled and accepted immediately. But we¹d only met each other a year earlier, and we were aware ours was a whirlwind romance so when we read about the Relate Couples' Workshop, we were keen to give it a try ­ £200 between us seemed a small price to pay when we were going to be spending £20,000-plus on a wedding!

There were six other couples on the course, which was made up of discussions and exercises. One exercise in particular was a real eye-opener: we were each given a list of 30 things a person could do for another, as a token of love, and we had to tick 15 that we'd like our partner to do for us. Each of the expressions of love fell into categories of Words, Acts, Time, Gifts or Touch, so buying someone jewellery is a Gift, whereas paying them a compliment counts as Words. Once we'd added up our scores, we compared notes with our partner. I think John was surprised to learn how much I value our time together. The format of this exercise meant we could put our needs across without it sounding like a complaint.

The best skill we took away with us was how to cope with confrontation. First of all, it was good to know everyone argues! It's easy to let rows spiral out of control when you're too stubborn to compromise. But now if we get ratty with each other, we use a technique we try to offer a solution. So rather than saying, 'I hate it when you do X,' you say: 'When you did X, it made me feel Y; please would you do Z instead?' It really helps. We were also told that 65 per cent of arguments are irresolvable, so sometimes we just have to agree to disagree!