Lucy and Gary
Counselling by phone - Relate Direct
Lucy (32) called Relate Direct to help her handle the revelation of her husband’s affair.
Lucy and Gary had been married for seven years. Two years into their happy marriage Gary was promoted which meant more travelling time and longer working hours. As a result they saw less and less of each other. Last year they discussed starting a family but the subject was dropped as other issues seemed to take priority. In recent months Gary seemed distant and spent his free time in front of the TV, at the gym or out with friends. Their sex life continued but although Gary never refused her, Lucy had noticed that he never made the first move anymore.
Lucy finally confronted him about his lack of enthusiasm to be with her and they had a huge row. Gary admitted he was having an affair with a colleague and was very unsure he wanted to be in this marriage at all.
Gary accused Lucy of wanting to control his life and felt she was always nagging him to do this or that around the house, never appreciating how tired he was after work. As far as he was concerned he still loved her but was no longer 'in love' with her. He stormed out returning the next day to pack a bag saying he was going to stay "with a friend" to get some space.
Lucy was extremely upset and shocked by his revelation of the affair. She had put his behaviour down to adjusting to his new job. The thought of another woman devastated her and she could not imagine a life on her own if he left permanently. She took some time off work sick but so far had confided in no-one as she could not face her family and friends knowing they were having problems.
Lucy realised she needed to express her worries so made an appointment with Relate Direct. The counsellor helped her look at what might have triggered Gary distancing himself. Lucy realised that things seemed to go downhill since they talked about having a baby and was then able to track the way he withdrew more and more. Together with the counsellor they explored possible fears about what it meant to Gary to take on a parent role and Lucy could see how his own traumatic childhood might influence his beliefs. She then realised she had been fairly dominant about when they might stop using contraception and only gave up on the idea after he said work had to come first for a while.
Lucy made some tentative links to other areas of their relationship where she made the decisions. To her the decisions had felt positive, she felt her life was more comfortable with specific plans laid out. Up until now she thought Gary was content with that but now wondered if Gary saw it as taking control.
The counsellor helped her work out a support network Lucy could put in place by talking to a trusted friend who'd been through separation and divorce. When Gary made contact again Lucy felt she had something to offer him about her part in what had happened and why he might have had the affair in the first place.
Lucy said how talking to a Relate Direct counsellor was helpful to work out the issues that were affecting her relationship.
