Testimonials

Penny and Mike

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Penny (39) sent a Relate Online query with concerns about the changes in her relationship with Mike (41). She wanted some insight into whether the relationship was over or if there was a way of helping him to talk to her again.

They’d lived together for 12 years during which time their similar careers had taken different directions. Penny was doing well but Mike wasn’t and he’d become de-motivated, bitter, and swung between a state of anger or complete withdrawal.

They also had financial problems and Penny had found herself doing much of the work in the relationship, both as a breadwinner and emotional provider. Their sex life had deteriorated along with Mike’s confidence leaving Penny dissatisfied and resentful. She felt tired of trying to bolster Mike and felt he had distanced himself to the extent that their two young sons had noticed his personality change. All the tension and bad feeling left her highly anxious about the future for the family, but also very aware she’d reached the end of her tether and was tempted to try an affair.

The Relate Online counsellor provided some tips for better communication for Penny to try. If Penny helped Mike open up about his fears and disappointments they could tackle the situation together. The counsellor also outlined some options for Penny to pursue for herself if Mike continued to reject her efforts.

Alec and Merrill

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Alec (58) was concerned by his wife Merrill’s announcement that she wanted to sleep apart. Merrill (53) says she no longer fancied Alec or wanted any physical relationship. He always felt sex is important in a marriage and had believed everything to be alright.

Alec thought Merrill’s decision might be related to her experiencing the menopause. In recent months she had seemed constantly to be in a bad mood and they rowed now more than they ever did in their 32 years together. Now their children were grown and had flown the nest he’d hoped he could enjoy a more peaceful life at home pursuing his interests in the local community.

Alec felt very unhappy and baffled as to how to approach her about the subject, as they have never talked much about sex before. It was hard enough just to write for help to Relate but the anonymous online option somehow felt less embarrassing.

The counsellor was able to pass on some information about the menopause and how he might begin to talk to his wife. The counsellor also recommended some books to help them begin to tackle their sexual difficulties. Some other possible reactions to the loss of her role as a nurturing mother were highlighted for him to consider so he could check out her feelings.

Ann and David

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Ann (29) and David (36) had been together for 2 years after both ended other long-term relationships. Ann was struggling to come to terms with the way David’s ex-wife seemed to cause so many problems. David has three children aged 8, 10 and 13 years and they came to stay every weekend.

Ann felt she’d made every effort to accommodate this arrangement for the sake of David but finds the children’s behaviour very difficult to manage. She felt they did not seem to like her. Their busy lives, with work during the week and then weekends devoted to the children, left her feeling they never had enough time together as a couple. Ann had already tried to point out all this to David but he’d never seem to change anything.

Ann believed David still felt guilty about the failure of his marriage and was scared of upsetting his ex in case she made things even more awkward. Ann expressed how manipulated and upset she felt at the way David always seemed to put his ex before her. Ann’s online query ended with questions about whether she’d made a big mistake in taking on someone with children. This was in contrast to other feelings that David was the right man for her.

The counsellor explained to Ann how blended family situations can impact on couples and endorsed her desire to feel more important to David than his ex. The counsellor also gave some explanations about how children can feel about parental separations to help her understand their behaviour.