Common Problems
I've discovered my partner is having an affair, what do I do?
- When you talk about it sit or stand so that you can maintain eye contact with your partner
- Agree to spend appropriate time talking and listening to your partner, even if you fear bad news is at hand.
- Avoid cutting in on what your partner is saying. Let them finish before responding. You will probably be upset, but try not to start shouting or rush out. You need to hear the full story in order to assess exactly what has happened.
- Ask questions if you need to, but ask those that relate to why the affair happened. For instance, ask what your partner felt was going on in your relationship to warrant an affair. Avoid asking questions such as "Were they better in bed than me?" You may want answers to these kinds of questions later on, but it is better to make sense of your feelings about why the affair happened at this stage.
- Avoid immediately blaming your partner, their lover or yourself. It may seem tempting to hurl an insult at your partner about their fickleness and blame their lover as seducer, but this will not help you work out why the affair has happened. You should also shy away from self-blame. You may wonder if your own short-comings have caused the affair, but ultimately affairs are at least the responsibility of your joint relationship and should not be regarded as just your (or your partner's) fault.
How Relate can help:
Relate counsellors can help you as couple or on your own to understand how you've arrived at this point. For face to face counselling contact your nearest Relate or have counselling by phone. A Relate book that can help is After the Affair by Julia Cole.
