My partner and I just don't seem to talk any more - it feels as if we've drifted apart
Communication is at the heart of all relationships. Many couples coming to Relate say that communication breakdown is one of the main reasons they've decided to seek counselling. Most couples, after they have had some Relate counselling, report that communication between them has improved.
But what exactly is communication? Communication can be described as 'the way we connect to other people'. Sounds simple, doesn't it? It is in fact a very complicated process which most of us never deliberately learn - we just do it. The way we communicate or connect with others, can have a major impact on our lives and that's why Relate thinks it is so important, not only in couple relationships but in ALL our other relationships too.
What is good communication?
Good communication can be described as a dance between two people. There's a place for you to dance together, the music sets the scene, you both sense the rhythm, take it in turns 'to do your thing', follow or take the lead, you do it together, it gives you both pleasure and has a purpose. If you are reasonably good at it, it should be a satisfying experience.
Maybe, we wouldn't all feel the same about this dance. Perhaps the setting is wrong, it's not your kind of music, you've never really liked making an exhibition of yourself dancing, etc. However, if you can hang on to the idea of making the time, creating the right environment, sharing the experience, balancing the inputs, and moving together whilst doing different things, this could be a useful way of looking at the way you and your partner communicate.
How do I know if I'm a good communicator?
- You could ask a friend to tell you how they find conversations with you.
- Are you a good listener? Do you wait until the other person has finished what they've got to say before you chime in? Do you acknowledge what they have said?
- Do you find it important to make time to have a conversation?
- Do you make sure you understand fully what has been said? Do you check out what you think you've heard with the person speaking?
- Does your own view of the subject colour what has been said to you?
- Do you relay your story in an interesting and informative way, sharing your feelings about the topic, or do you just give the bare facts?
- Can you stay with what the other person is saying to you without interrupting, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable?
These questions may help you to get an idea of how you communicate.
How can I improve communication with my partner?
Set aside time to talk when you will not be interrupted. Take it in turns to have air time - some people find setting a timer for five minutes, one speaking whilst the other listens, then reversing the process, can create a space for each to talk without interruption. Tell your partner how you felt, feel or will be feeling about something without blaming them. This can be tricky but it is a very useful way of owning your feelings. Plan to go together somewhere which provides an environment you both find relaxing e.g. a walk in the park, a drink at a pub or a coffee when you're shopping etc. Don't be surprised if there isn't an improvement straight away - you wouldn't expect to dance the salsa after only one attempt would you?
If you think you need to improve your conversations, these tips might be useful. If you're still having problems communicating as a couple, then do go to Relate where you can find support in learning to talk to each other in a more relaxed, effective, way.
How Relate can help:
A book that can help is How to Stay Together Forever: How to Make Your Relationship Work and Keep It Working! by Julia Cole.