My husband spent £1500 pounds at a strip club and lied about it

I can see from what and how you write that you’ve probably felt really lonely and unheard for a long time. To me, it seems that the lap dancing issue is the latest breach of trust and has maybe reminded you of old, painful feelings that have never been repaired or supported.

You say you have a good life. Certainly children and grandchildren (although frustrating and tiring some of the time) add a wonderful richness to most lives. But it sounds as though your husband’s behaviour has created an undercurrent of distress that he has never taken any responsibility for.

But there are several things I’d like to address. First off is your loss of ‘mojo’. This is a common problem for some women around the menopause. While lots feel they can celebrate this change in their lives, others are left feeling downtrodden by all the symptoms it can bring. It’s often at this time that they might look for additional reassurance and support from a partner.

You say you thought you were doing OK, but I’m left wondering what sort of conversations you might have been able to have about your needs around this time. Finding out he had been to a lap dancing club must have been such a blow to your self-esteem at a time when it may have been already rather dented.

About the lap dancing: I found myself wondering if it was the action itself or the fact he and his friends lied about it that truly bothered you. I don’t for one minute suggest that you don’t have a right to be outraged by his attending a club (although reactions to lap dancing vary depending on different relationships) and ordinarily I’d probably be saying that you need to talk it over before moving on. 

But from what you say, it seems there’s a history of unhelpful behaviour involving other women, unexplained nights and inappropriate communications. The most important part of all of this is that he has blamed it on drinking and not ‘feeling like a grown up’. With all this in mind, I’m tempted to say that you’ve got into a pattern where you’ve been the grown up - or even ‘mummy’ - to someone who resists taking responsibility for what they do and the effects of their actions on others. 

This sometimes happens in marriages. We assume roles, even though we don’t actually sit down and openly agree to them. I think you may have fallen into this yourself as a way of keeping your marriage going. Again: lots of people do this – and it’s particularly common among couples who have children  - but it’s not usually particularly healthy for anyone involved. It must have been really difficult for you to keep all the pain and resentment that will have built up over the years to yourself. 

You say you don’t know if you can get the trust back. But I would say that you’ve never really had any. From what you write, it sounds like you’ve been taken advantage of time and again and given little real explanation as to why you should put up with it.

I’m all for couples really working through their issues. And of course, with the right professional help, there may be a way forward for you together. However, it would involve some serious changes. He would need to address a number of things – chief among them his refusal to take responsibility for his actions. Individual counselling for him might be the best option prior to embarking on any work together.

But in many ways I think the bigger challenge would be for you. I say this because, for things to be different, you would need to give him the space to grow up. Please don’t for one minute think I’m saying you’re responsible for his actions: you’re definitely not. However, because you’ve been keeping the show on the road for both of you, it will only be once you stop doing this that he'll have the chance to change. He'll need to know that you're not going to keep fixing things. And this might be difficult - because changing old habits, even ones that don't serve us well, can be really hard. 

Please do also consider some individual counselling for yourself. It could help you to address the pain you feel from repeated betrayals and the loss of what you hoped for. You would also have the chance to find out what you want from this next phase of your life now the kids have left.

I think you need to find a way of letting him know you mean business and that you will no longer tolerate deceit. Trust can be rebuilt and many couples manage this, but it takes two to be equally committed. Please don’t fall back into doing his share of the deal for him.