If there's any kind of abuse or violence in your relationship then your children may be at high risk from being hurt physically, either directly or from becoming caught in "the crossfire". Of just as much concern is the risk that children will be emotionally and psychologically harmed by the abuse in your relationship.
The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises that domestic abuse can impact on a child who sees, hears or experiences the effects of the abuse and it treats such children as victims of domestic abuse in their own right where they are related to either the abuser or the abused.
What can I do?
- Be prepared to call the police if you or your children are in danger.
- If possible, tell someone you trust what's going on and ask them if you and the children can stay with them in an emergency.
- Call the National Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247. They may suggest that you call a local refuge that will provide help and support to you and your children.
- If you need to, you can talk to a solicitor about the possibility of getting a court order to protect you and your children.
- Alternatively, you can contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence (NCDV). They provide 3 types of Civil Injunctions for those suffering domestic abuse; Non Molestation, Occupation & Prohibited Steps Orders. These are usually obtained from the Family or County Courts under Civil Law and in most situations, they are able to secure an Order very swiftly.
- A Non Molestation Order prohibits the perpetrator from contacting the person, turning up at their home, place of work or wherever is relevant to that person’s case/situation. It can even prohibit the perpetrator harassing, intimidating or threatening that person via a third party. The order usually lasts for about six months to a year (but can be longer) and carries an automatic power of arrest if breached. There needs to be a recent incident or threat to obtain a non-molestation order.
- An Occupation Order is an order issued by the court that decides who has the right to live in – or be excluded from – a family home. This is used, usually, on a short term basis and normally lasts six months.
- A Prohibited Steps Order is put in place if there has been threats to take or an attempt to take the child. It prohibits the perpetrator from removing the child from the partner with whom they are living.
- NCDV can assist the person to obtain an order via Legal Aid using their panel solicitors based across England or provide support to obtain the order as a Litigant in Person (self-representing). For those unable to afford the cost of a solicitor, there is often no charge.
- Talk to your child’s school about the situation and let them know who can and cannot collect your child from school, if you have concerns about their safety.
If you've already separated, you may still have safety concerns particularly if your children are still in contact with or visiting their other parent who has been abusive or violent. It is a fact that there is an increased level of risk to you or your children in the period after you and your partner have separated. It may be helpful to have a trusted friend or family member close by when you hand over or collect your children from your partner/ex partner if you are concerned that there may be some conflict or threatening behaviour.
How to support your children
Talking to children about what’s happening can help them to feel less powerless, confused and angry.
- Do talk to your children – and listen to them. Most children will appreciate an opportunity to acknowledge the abuse and to talk about what they are feeling. Re-assure them that you want to know what they are feeling and believe them.
- It’s important to remember that they may well love both you and your partner and will feel very divided and confused about the situation.
- Many children try to take responsibility for their parents’ arguments and conflicts. If they’ve overheard rows in which their names are mentioned, they may assume it is their fault. Reassure them that the abuse is not their fault and that they are never responsible for adult behaviour.
- Explain to them that abuse is wrong and that it does not solve problems. Remember, your children will naturally trust you – try not to break that trust by directly lying to them.
- Encourage your children to talk about their wishes and feelings. You could do this perhaps by doing an activity together or spending time together. Sometimes children will wait until they feel safe and are no longer in the violent environment before they start to talk about their feelings. It may be helpful, depending on their age, to arrange some counselling for them.
- Tell them that they need to tell someone if anyone hurts them. If they cannot tell you, they may be able to talk to another family member or an adult at school.
- Support them emotionally. Help to boost their self-esteem by regularly giving them reassurance, praise, attention and affection.
- Ask for help. Demonstrate that asking for help is a good thing – do it yourself so your children can see there is nothing to be ashamed of. You may believe it is best for your children if you try to keep the family together in order to provide the security of a home and two parents. However, children will usually feel more secure and will be safer living with one parent in a stable environment than with two parents when the environment is unstable and abusive.
Seek support for yourself
Dealing with abusive situations and fears for your children can be very traumatic and emotionally exhausting. Talk to a Relate counsellor now via Live Chat for some confidential emotional support and to help you to clarify your thoughts and feelings. Counselling is confidential and your safety and your children’s safety will always be paramount. If needed, you will be provided with information about other sources of help and safety.
Domestic violence help and support
A national service for women experiencing domestic violence, their family, friends, colleagues and others calling on their behalf.
Men's Advice Line - 0808 801 0327 (advice and support for men experiencing domestic violence and abuse)
National lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans+ domestic abuse helpline: 0800 999 5428
Website offering support for children
National Centre for Domestic Violence
Text NCDV to 60777
Financial support line for victims of domestic abuse call 0808 1968845.