When it comes to sex, you may feel like you’ve got into a routine that no longer meets your needs, this is often true for partners who have been together for a long time. The most important thing is that you both enjoy your sex life so, whether it’s ‘routine’ or not, if it feels right, then it probably is.
On the other hand, you might want to make changes but are not too sure how to begin. Here are some tips to get you started:
Take time to think about your needs
Sensual and sexual needs can change over time and finding time to focus on new ideas and changes that you would like for yourself are usually a good starting point and can help you to help a partner to know what works for you. Try and work out why you might feel anxious about introducing something different and perhaps consider if this is ageneral concern or if something specific is worrying you. If you’re finding this process difficult, talking with a Counsellor can help you to work your feelings.
Talk to your partner
It can feel embarrassing to talk about sex with a partner, especially if it’s not something you’ve done before, but having a conversation about how you would like your sex life to be is the first step towards doing things differently. Try to have the conversation away from where you normally have sex, this can help reduce any anxiety about feeling pressurised.
Focus on the positives
Sharing with your partner what you like or love about them might help pave the way for discussion about your sex life and what you would like to do differently. Try to get a balance between being honest about what doesn’t work for you anymore and taking a positive approach about sharing new feelings and ideas. You might find that your partner has similar feelings but feels just as anxious or embarrassed about sharing them with you. But someone has to start first and taking that step could be a chance to create something new together.
Don’t always go ‘all the way’
Sometimes people resist kissing and touching because they are worried it will lead to sex and they’re not sure if that’s what they or their partner wants. To start with, if you can get into the habit of focusing on sensual, rather than purely sexual activity, it may help to create a safe space in which you can gently explore what you both want.
Do you always have sex before you go to sleep? Could that be when you’re most tired? If it is, then of course sex might not feel as interesting as a good night’s sleep. Having sex at a different time of day can help create a different routine.
If you always have sex in the same place, finding somewhere else to be intimate can help you start to break what may have become a monotonous pattern. You could try a different room in the house if you usually do it in the bedroom.
Remember that making changes can take time. Acknowledging this will help you both to feel more confident and open to new ideas. Even very small changes can make all the difference.
How we can help
If you're worried about your sex life, there are various ways we can help.