When we see couples at the point of separating there’s often a lot of resentment which can make good communication trickier as you move from being partners to co-parents. This begs the question –could it be helpful to have conversations about breaking up at a point when our relationship is strong, happy and healthy?
Divorce and separation can be incredibly sad and painful for families to go through, particularly when there’s a lot of animosity and conflict involved. Breaking up is something you never imagine happening when you’re all loved up and times are good but the reality is many of us are likely to experience relationship issues at some point. If this happens seeking relationship support and working through problems together can mean your relationship remains in-tact and perhaps becomes even stronger. However in some cases, particularly where there are high levels of conflict, separation or divorce may feel like the only viable option.
When we see couples at the point of separating there’s often a lot of resentment which can make good communication trickier as you move from being partners to co-parents. This begs the question –could it be helpful to have conversations about breaking up at a point when our relationship is strong, happy and healthy?
We believe this needs to change. That’s why the Positive Parenting Alliance – a newly-formed alliance of parents, charities and legal sector stakeholders, which Relate is proud to be part of, is asking all parents to make The Parents Promise. This is a commitment parents can make today while they’re still together about how they will always put their children’s wellbeing first if their relationship breaks down in the future. This isn’t about giving up on the relationship, not working at it or saying breaking up is inevitable but about acknowledging some relationships do unfortunately break down and having a conversation about how you would consider the children’s needs if this were to happen.
The long-term aim of the Alliance, which was created by parent James Hayhurst in partnership with OnlyMums&Dads, is to promote conversation and shift the current culture around divorce and separation so that it’s less adversarial and reliant on courts. Instead we want a system that places greater emphasis on communication between parents and putting the child’s needs at the centre. We’re pleased to see so many organisations involved including Relate; Black Mums Upfront; Fegans; OnePlusOne; Place2Be and Tavistock Relationships.
Speaking of the Parents Promise, founder and parent James Hayhurst said: “The Parents Promise aims to change the conversation about parental separation, both within families and in wider society. It’s based on a simple and important concept that, safeguarding concerns notwithstanding, every child has a right to a positive relationship with both parents and that no child should be asked or forced to choose between their parents.”
“It’s not surprising that most couples have not had a conversation about what would happen should they split up. But, for many, it will happen. The ask is simple: open a dialogue with your partner when you are still in love - not at the point of a relationship breakdown – and make a commitment together to put your child first, whatever happens. In doing so, we hope to drive positive behavioural change whereby thousands of couples and their children, will be protected from the devastating, and often avoidable, impacts of an adversarial split.”
We couldn’t agree more and feel this initiative has real potential to protect the long-term mental health and life outcomes of children whose parents separate or divorce. Beyond the emotional costs, the annual cost to the taxpayer of family breakdown is estimated to stand at a huge £51bn (2018 figures), up from £37bn ten years ago. The Positive Parenting Alliance believes families would benefit greatly from the widespread availability of much earlier interventions and support, including mediation and arbitration where necessary, instead of often-prolonged, expensive and conflictual family court proceedings which can put vulnerable families at even greater risk.
For more information, to support the initiative and make the Parents Promise today, visit: https://theparentspromise.org.uk/
*Online research conducted by Parent Ping in February 2021. Sample of 2,739 parents.
** Family Solutions Group 2020