My wonderful, supportive and sexy husband has changed to a shell of his former self.
We’ve been together 22 years - until 18 months ago we were doing ok. Life was a bit of a roller coaster - I lost both parents during lockdown which was tough going. But he was the same focused man, each time he walked into a room I thought “phwar” … how lucky am I? He’s 7 years my junior but it might as well of been light years as we’re from totally different generations!
He’d smoked weed when we met and I was a cigarette smoker. When our son was 3 he gave up cannabis & smoking overnight - he wanted to be around for his son forever. Fast forward 15 years and he’s eating, vaping and smoking weed at every opportunity. About 12 months ago he stopped coming to bed, he doesn’t want to socialise, he’s angry with work & life, constantly says he’s a glass half empty guy and that he’s really really old ! (He’s 46 !) He says sex is no longer important to him and doesn’t want to go on holidays.
When I’ve broached the subject he says Cannabis should be legal and “you have a drink- so what’s the difference?” And sees cannabis as perfectly good thing to take. After becoming grandparents (my daughter from 1st marriage had a child) I asked him to not smoke or consume weed in the house anymore but go into the workshed joined to the house. I can’t have friends over for fear of weed stench, our finances are in a mess - when I said how much does it cost - he said “less than one of your fancy coffees a day”.
I don’t know what to do - I’ve lost my best friend, my confidant, my lover, my everything. I spend hours worrying if he’ll be in a good mood or whether I’ll upset him. We’ve only had sex twice this year - he’s not responsive to suggestion. He doesn’t laugh anymore. Our adult son who lives with us does his best to ignore situation but it’s a toxic environment.
Some have said it’s a midlife crisis - he used to be on anti-anxiety meds but he’s come off those saying weed is a better solution. Nothing excites him . He works in a secondary school in an administrative role - what if they do a drug test? When I asked him to choose me or weed he said “it wouldn’t be you so don’t ask me again…” He sees that there is no problem at all He just sits in front of tv for hours - he used to like doing projects around the house and garden now he makes excuses. What can I do? I feel that the last 20+ years have been for nothing .
OK. The last 20 years have not been for nothing. All the good albeit sometimes difficult times are as real now as they were then. Nothing can change that. What has changed though is your husband. I’m curious to know if all this smoking, eating and vaping has come on suddenly or gradually increased over time – perhaps when no one was really noticing. Life is busy and stressful, we sometimes miss what’s right in front of us. But all of a sudden it seems like a big problem and one which it seems your husband is reluctant to acknowledge.
I’m not a mental health expert but I wonder if it’s possible that either as a result of the weed or not he’s experiencing considerable low mood and depression. Maybe those feelings were what prompted him to resume his old habit. But whatever’s brought all this on, the end result is now a miserable, sad and frustrating experience of family life. I’ve worked with many couples where one partner is in complete denial about the impact of their ‘habit’ on their partner, friends and wider family and it’s a tough nut to crack because until the penny drops that there may well be consequences to such behaviours, little will change.
That of course should not preclude you making decisions that feel right for you and acting on them. At the moment it sounds like you’re walking on egg shells almost on hyper alert trying to guess how he’ll be. That is no way to live and likely to damage your own mental wellbeing in due course, that’s if it’s not already gnawing away at it already.
I think you have to be bold here and a couple of options come to mind. The first is that I get no sense that you’re talking to anyone else about your concerns. You tell me that there are people who should never find out about what he does due to the potential consequences. Now that may a wise move on one hand but on the other, problems like this often fester in secrecy. Shame plays a big part in preventing people from reaching out for help and I think this maybe what’s happening to you. If we consider that your husband may be unwell, then speaking to the GP, and trusted family members may be a starting point for you to feel more supported and embrace others who could potentially interact with him to help him see what’s happening and how all this could end up if he doesn’t at least start to engage with you more productively and sensitively.
At the moment, you’re stuck in wretched communication ‘loop’ which basically means that the more you implore the more he stops listening. Involving other trusted confidants may help to break this cycle. I know he’s told you he’d chose the weed before he chose you and I can imagine what a painful exchange that must have been. But my hunch here is that there’s an underlying problem for him for which weed, overeating and drinking have become the antidotes, albeit unwise ones.
It is of course the case that only he can address whatever these problems really are but if you’re able to reach out and share what’s happening with others who can support and advise you and who could perhaps offer your husband some support and wise counsel, this may be the first steps towards getting to the bottom of all this and finding the best way forward. I don’t suggest this will be easy and ultimately, you may have a very stark choice to make but first things first, reach out, get help, stop feeling ashamed and make sure you find room to focus on your own needs and wellbeing.
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Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
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