With summer often comes holidays and trips away with the family. And while the sun may be shining, it's not all sunshine when navigating the complexities of family life, explains Rosel Jackson Stern and Relate family counsellor, Josh Smith.
Holidays with family can be like an awful and protracted dinner with your complicated uncle on one hand and challenging aunty on the other. They inflame all your existing tensions into a conflagration of logistics and competing desires, all fanned by the impossible pressure of having the most amazing and relaxing time. All the topics that you usually avoid rear their heads until the only relief you can possibly find is at the end of a cigarette outside the restaurant. Just me? Possibly.
We’re often tasked with loving our families through difficulties that can be amplified when we spend extended amounts of time with them. Of course, every family dynamic is different and causes different types of stress depending on our circumstances. Unexpected expenses during a cost-of-living crisis can make it hard to feel present, and the expectation to “enjoy this time” is overwhelming. Ultimately though, being able to take a family holiday is a privilege and we can remind ourselves of that by shifting our perspective.
Manage your expectations
Before you leave, it can be helpful to have a conversation with all holidaymakers about what you all expect going into this: how much money are you willing to spend? What activities are you prepared to do together versus alone? Relate Family Counsellor Josh Smith recommends being honest about your preferences: “Think about what your context markers are i.e. what’s most important to you?” Bringing a degree of intentionality to your holiday can ease any anxiety or worry.
Families experience different life stages, as laid out by family researchers Dr. Monica McGoldrick, Betty Carter and Nydia Garcia-Preto. Teenagers might want to do their own thing while grandparents want to do another and either way, we have to contend with the realities of who we’re spending time with. “Acknowledge that people want different things. Developmentally, it makes total sense,” Josh reassures. Finding compromises and accepting that there won’t always be agreement about how to spend time on holiday. Using conflict resolution tactics like speaking in “I feel x” (not “I feel like x) statements and taking time out when the conversation is going around in circles can take some pressure off family dynamics.
Think about your needs and how you can fulfil them in a different environment
Josh reminds me that when we’re at home, we have coping mechanisms that make us feel at ease. “What goes on in your family exists in a wider ecology of relationships. When you’re on holiday, you can be isolated from other sources of support,” Josh explains, “Usually we’ve ordered our lives in a certain way to allow us to thrive and we don’t need to change them when we go away”. We can bring our routines, like meditating in the morning, practising a creative hobby, and reading, with us. Josh points out how time away can actually fuel existing difficulties in a relationship: “The burden of domestic work is rarely distributed equally, which can be amplified on holiday”, he says, “If relationships are unequal, they can become more so under stress or change.”
Take time for yourself
There can be a temptation to cram in as many group activities as possible when you’re taking a trip somewhere with loved ones. It’s a chance to spend quality time together but that doesn’t mean you have to spend every moment together. In fact, making an effort to do some activities alone can take the pressure off having to agree on activities and give you stories to tell when you come back together. “Write down your wants and desires so they’re easier to communicate” suggests Josh.
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