Feeling regularly pressured by your partner into having sex isn’t a healthy dynamic for any relationship.
Good relationships are based around trust and mutuality - and feeling like you’re having to do something that you don’t necessarily want to do, especially something as intimate as sex, can be highly damaging to how you feel about your partner. It can erode away your trust in them and is also likely to negatively affect your sense of self-esteem.
When does it become coercive behaviour?
This isn’t to say that you and your partner are always going to see eye to eye when it comes to sex. In fact, it’s unfairly uncommon for both partners to have the same level of interest - or to always want sex at the same time.
One of you may have a higher sex drive than the other or want to be a little more experimental in bed. Or one of you might like to have sex in the morning, while the other prefers at night. But these are things that, with considerate and empathetic communication, you can work on together - with the outcome hopefully being that you’re able to compromise or meet in the middle.
But there’s a difference between having different preferences and feeling like you’re being coerced into something in a way that’s making you feel uncomfortable and unhappy.
How do you know which is which? If you ask yourself honestly, you may be able to gauge how you feel. But as a rule of thumb, the definition tends to be in whether you feel you have the option to talk about it.
Do you feel like your partner would be open to discussing how much sex you have, and when? Or would you anticipate a negative reaction if you tried to bring this up? Do you feel like, even if things were awkward, it would be possible to bring up the topic without them losing their temper, or does the idea alone make you nervous?
Another clue: what kind of existing dialogue do you have about sex? Do you feel like you’re always being nagged into it? Is the onus always on them - on their being ‘given’ sex, rather it being something you do together? Do they insult or demean you, or try to make you feel guilty? Perhaps things aren’t as explicit as that - maybe your partner gives you the silent treatment if you don’t feel like having sex, or is sarcastic or unfriendly.
If some of the above sounds familiar, it may be that you’re in a relationship in which coercive or abusive behaviour is a factor. And it’s important to understand: this is not ok, and it’s not something you should have to put up with.
If you are able to talk
If you feel you can talk to your partner about things, then you may find it useful to try to have an open, honest conversation.
We know that talking about sex can be tricky and sometimes awkward, but it can also be a great way of beginning to move towards a sense of mutual understanding. And it can also head off damage in the long term by allowing you to work out any resentment before it grows and gets worse.
How do you go about having this conversation? The same way you would any other relationship discussion. Try to find a time when you’re both feeling positive about things - not during an argument. It can also be useful to bring things up when you’re away from home and doing something else - for instance, going for a walk. Sometimes, being in a new location can make you feel more open to new ideas.
Try to phrase what you have to say considerately and empathetically. Don’t attack your partner (‘You always make me feel pressured’), but instead, focus on explaining and taking responsibility for your own emotions (‘Sometimes, I feel a bit pressured’). This is less likely to provoke a negative response. In terms of topics, you may want to talk about your needs and preferences when it comes to sex: how much sex you’re comfortable having when you feel comfortable having it, what activities you enjoy and which you aren’t as keen on.
And it’s important to try to listen to what they have to say too. As stated above, good relationships are about mutuality. A big part of that is hearing and taking on board each other’s perspectives. Perhaps they have no idea that this is how you feel and would be upset to know they’re causing you to feel this way. Perhaps they worry that you wanting less sex means you don’t feel attracted to them. These are just examples, but you may find you’re surprised to discover how your partner really feels about things once you get talking.
Sometimes, just being able to understand each other’s perspective is enough to start to make things better. Sometimes, what we felt was going wrong was as much to do with us misinterpreting each other as anything else. But sometimes, it may be that you and your partner do have differing ideas and preferences and that you may need to find a way to meet in the middle or compromise. There’s nothing essentially wrong with having different ideas - in fact, it’s highly unlikely that you and your partner are going to agree on everything. But it’s important you’re able to openly discuss and negotiate these differences so they don’t create tension going forward.
What to do if you feel coerced
In the case of coercive or abusive behaviour, it may not be safe to have this conversation in the same way. If you suspect that this is what’s going on, it’s important to ask yourself: would I be putting myself at risk trying to talk openly with my partner? If you feel there’s a risk that the answer is ’no’, then it’s important you prioritise your safety above everything else.
Sometimes, it can be useful to find an outside perspective. If you have friends or family members who you feel you can trust to give you an objective opinion - and who have your best interests at heart - you may want to turn to them. Again, we know that talking about this kind of thing can be awkward or embarrassing, but it can also be really useful if you feel stuck - or if your self-esteem is being affected by the situation.
It may be that you and your partner are able to talk about things with the aid of a professional. We often work with couples in which abusive behaviour is or has been a factor, and many of our counsellors are specially trained to deal with this. We may ask you to come in for an individual appointment so we can decide if counselling would be useful for you.
Likewise, if you’d like further advice, the National Domestic Violence Helpline (they also help people facing emotional abuse) has trained advisors who can help you figure out if you would benefit from professional help, and who can provide emotional support. You can call them for free on 0808 2000 247.
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