I love my partner, but he's cruel and threatening during arguments

I am very worried about you…. 

I think you won’t want to hear this but everything you describe tells me that you’re experiencing serious domestic abuse.  

Being loving one minute and then threatening, scary and horrible the next is a tried and tested method by which abusive partners control their victim. You end up trying so hard to do the right thing. You’re constantly trying to second guess every last thing, so you avoid ‘making’ him create a scene and then blaming you for it. Everything comes down to walking on eggshells, keeping silent, or telling yourself that somehow, you made him do whatever he’s just done and that you deserve his appalling behaviour. 

So, for the avoidance of all doubt, you do not make him angry. You’re not responsible for his temper, violent outbursts, cruel words, or the complete contempt with which he treats you. This is because he’s making a choice to behave as he does. That probably sounds tricky to believe because you tell me you’re responsible for all this mistreatment but that’s because you’re caught up in a cycle of serious abuse. People often feel so worn down and so confused that eventually, they believe anything their abuser is telling them and that’s what‘s happened here. If you feel worthless because of the way you’re being treated, then it’s easy to convince yourself no one else would ever want you. The truth is though that you’re worthy of love and respect, neither of which is a feature in the relationships you describe. 

All of us sometimes make mistakes in relationships. We might do something we later regret or sound uncaring or say something hurtful. This is because we’re all human and get it wrong sometimes. But the situation you describe is nothing short of a sustained and damaging attack on your emotional and mental wellbeing. It might also be an attack on your physically too as I have not the slightest faith that he won’t resort to that eventually. 

I feel sure that reading my response is difficult. It’s not what you want to hear because what you’ve actually asked me is how not to feel so hurt and upset after every bit of bad behaviour.  The thing is though, your feelings are exactly how anyone would feel after being so mistreated. They’re completely normal and I don’t recommend you try and squash them down.  

You say you love him and will never leave him. I wonder though if you might be thinking that if only you were different or ‘had the answer’ or knew how to properly please him then all this would stop. I’m afraid it won’t and all my experience in clinical work tells me that these situations often get much worse and sometimes end very badly indeed. I don’t want that for you. You’re not responsible for fixing your boyfriend. Only he can do that. 

I’d really like to encourage you to reach out for help. Sometimes taking the very first steps can seem so scary and disloyal, especially if you feel you love someone and that they love you, however the behaviours you describe are not those of a loving partner. Talking with family or a trusted friend might provide some support and help you to decide what are the best ways to keep yourself safe. There’s also lots of help from local and national domestic abuse agencies. They won’t make you do anything; they’ll just listen and give you information that you might find useful. And one last thing, I don’t recommend you discuss any plan to talk with others with your boyfriend. It’s often not safe to do that and at the very least may cause even more difficult and possibly dangerous situations.  

I understand it can take time to really see what’s going on and that’s normal. But what you’re experiencing is neither normal nor safe so please think carefully about reaching out to people who can help. You don’t deserve any of this.