I need help with parenting arrangements for my children

Your description of this childcare issue will have many people nodding knowingly. Probably recalling their own experience of feeling that their children are being used as pawns in a never-ending cycle of argument, disappointment and regret.

It’s a sad and concerning situation for any parent to feel deprived of contact with their children. You don’t say how old your children are or what amount of contact your wife has actually said she thinks is reasonable, but from a general perspective how much contact is appropriate depends on many factors like the age of the children concerned, the parents’ availability to ‘parent appropriately’ and of course, the practical circumstances.

The other thing you don’t mention is the nature of conversations you’re having with your wife about these childcare arrangements. In my experience as a relationship therapist of over twenty-five years, the biggest issue facing ‘ex-couples’ who are having difficulties, arguments and general misery about who has the children is that the conflict is actually driven by past hurt from the marriage. All too often, parents revisit all their disagreement with each other through creating childcare issues and of course, while this might feel very soothing at one level, it’s the children who face the blunt impact of this.

It sounds like you’ve done your best to see the children, but I suspect that the conversation has understandably focused around them, rather than on what’s getting in the way of you and your wife reaching an agreement you both feel able to honour. Very often couples don’t want to revisit the past. They don’t take responsibility for their part in whatever caused the split. That, too, is very understandable. When couples decide to separate they often have their sights set on a new life, so going back over difficult and painful emotions understandably lacks attraction.

I’m going to suggest another approach. It might not necessarily change anything, but it might allow your wife to feel ‘heard’ and to open up conversation about what’s really getting in the way of you seeing your children. Being open and honest about genuinely wanting to know and understand may go some way to letting her see that you appreciate that this problem is probably not really about the practical arrangements you both clearly want for your children. Obviously, I don’t know the circumstances of your separation, but whatever they were, finding some space to understand the past and its impact on current issues can be very helpful.

Having said this, the options available to you are going to Court, mediation, arbitration or taking a parenting class. I can’t specifically advise you on whether the first three would be sensible options as I ‘m not aware of your specific circumstances. And I’m not a mediator or family lawyer. Taking a parenting class does not imply that you’re bad parents, but the right class can help each of you see what’s happening from a different perspective, with the emphasis on the ‘voice of the child’ and what’s most important for their growth and benefit, given their age and wishes.

I really do understand how frustrated and upset you feel about all this. I’m afraid it’s a very common problem for separated couples. Despite everyone’s best intentions, plans for  sharing the kids somehow don’t quite work out as expected. Sometimes this is because life moves on and partners don’t want to be reminded of their previous relationships, so engagement with a former partner can feel tricky. Likewise, some people remain angry, resentful and upset about their experience of the former relationship - one way of showing this is to make it difficult for the children to see that parent.

I’ve no idea what is generating the issues in your case, but I do think that approaching conversations ‘differently’ with your wife could prove fruitful. I think you should continue to engage as much as you can. Try to remember that while a range of legal options can be put in place, partners still default on them - leaving the other parent feeling even more crushed and hopeless than before. If there was one immediate option to take, I’d advise talking or even writing to your wife first to outline what’s worrying you. She might throw it straight in the bin, but before she does, I would hope she would pause and remember that the children need to be able to love both of you. The best way of achieving that is for them get the right amount of time and energy from both mum and dad.