My relationship makes me feel worthless

I’d like to thank you for sending me this. The very first point I’m going to make is that there is every point to your existence.  Whatever’s going on, you’re a mum, a grandma and a daughter. All of these roles are incalculably important. But most importantly, you‘re you. You are someone who deserves a great deal more than you’re getting from this marriage. From what you tell me, I have no doubt too, that the severe depression you are experiencing  may well have a lot to do with the relationship, quite apart from any work issues or problems with his kids.

I think you’re trying to say that you feel invisible. You upped sticks to be with this man, but the sad reality is that it sounds like he just doesn’t ‘get’ that being in a relationship is about two people having some of their needs met most of the time or most of their needs met some of the time. Quite frankly, anyone who’s been through what you describe is likely to be deeply unhappy – indeed – it would be strange if they weren’t.  My sense is that you live your life constantly yearning for him to notice you. Unfortunately though, by now things have reached such a low point that seeing any way forward seems out of reach and this is where I want to start. At the risk of sounding challenging, I think you need to shift your focus from him to you.

I’m guessing that at the moment, taking any sort of stand will seem out of reach. That’s completely understandable - very often, when we get so sad and so unhappy, we feel powerless to take action. The last thing we feel able to do is rock the boat with the person who is the source of our distress. This is often because we’re holding two particular worries at the same time. The first one is that if we actually challenge someone about their behaviour towards us, they might finish the relationship ‘and then what would we do’ and the other is that when we feel so absolutely crushed by someone’s behaviour, it can be difficult to see that we actually don’t deserve to be treated so badly. The more depressed and sad we get, the less energy we have to confront what’s going on.

But, you haven’t asked me directly what to do. I think this might be because understandably, you’ve lost all faith in anyone ever listening to how unhappy you are. Well, I’ve listened and I’m going to offer you some suggestions. They might feel quite challenging, so I don’t think you should attempt everything all at the same time – perhaps try to do the best thing in the right order.

First off, I really want to encourage you to see your GP. Tell them how upset and hopeless you’re feeling. Get your meds checked out and any other health problems that might be concerning you. Secondly, get on the waiting list for some counselling. Most GP surgeries offer this service, as does Relate of course, plus organisations like the British Association of Counselling. I’m suggesting this because it really sounds like you might need some help to start putting yourself first and prioritising your own needs. Thirdly, tell the people who love you just how unhappy you are. Are they aware of any of this? I know you feel you can’t give others attention because you live too far away and there’s never time to prioritise them because your husband’s needs come first, but it’s very obvious to me that you have people who love and need you and whom you need too, but there’s no mention in your letter about any real sort of interaction with them. So please let your children know – perhaps your mum and dad, too (yes, I know they’re old and possibly frail, but they’re still your parents). Sometimes just sharing what’s going on with people we care about can be a great help, even if they’re far away or even when perhaps things haven’t always been great between you in the past. It’s so easy to lose the focus on our own wellbeing when we’re confronted with the sort of longing and distress you describe. It all gets projected on to the problem – which in this case, is your husband and we end up losing hope and belief in ourselves. Sometimes we tell ourselves we mustn’t ‘burden’ others with our problems. But actually, those we love usually want to know how we feel and just having others understand can often be a real support. I think you’ve shied away from this because you’ve  understandably invested all your hope for emotional intimacy in your husband who so far, has not got his head round the fact that you, too, have needs. Reconnecting with people other than your husband may well be the first bit of the journey to feeling more able to sort out what you want to do.

You’ve also emphasised that you left all your friends behind when you moved. It happens and it’s sad, but I wonder if you might be forgetting that there are other ways to stay in touch other than going to see them. Lots of people use apps to stay in touch with friends  (and family too) – being part of an online group can be a really good way of knowing what’s going on and who’s doing what. It could lessen the sense of isolation that you feel and remind you that you have lots to offer others in friendship and support. But right now, I can see that reaching out to old friends and even the thought of making new ones  probably seems so out of reach, and that’s because it feels to me like you need some one- to-one support to help you through this immediate period. That’s why I’ve suggested getting some counselling and also meeting with your GP first.

Of course though, the question you’re really asking, I think, is ‘how can I get my husband to change?’. The challenging answer to this is that the sort of behaviour you describe can really only be altered by the person dishing it out. The behaviour you describe is emotionally abusive and categorically wrong. I have no doubt if challenged on all this, he would have numerous excuses and reasons why he behaves as he does, but none of them will wash. Couple interactions are always complex and at best it sounds like as a couple, the necessary communication to work on the problems you describe simply aren’t there and this is where couple counselling can be useful. But at worse, what you describe to me is a man who either simply can’t see how he contributes to your unhappiness because of his own problems and at very worse, deliberately seeks to exclude you and make you feel invisible because he thinks that’s the thing to do. As I’ve said, much of what you tell me clearly describes emotional abuse and it’s not ok. I think that if you get some professional help for yourself, you may find that it becomes easier to focus on what will help you to identify what you want to do if your husband continues to behave as he does.  Often, the biggest battle we have with ourselves in situations like this, is letting go of the belief that if only we can think or do the right/best thing, our partner will see the light and give us the love and caring we so desperately want. Talking with a counsellor about feelings like this can be very, very helpful. It could provide a space to help you get back in touch with the fact that you are so much more than the wife of a man ‘who doesn’t get it’.