Trouble communicating

Communication is at the heart of all relationships. Many couples coming to us say that communication breakdown is one of the main reasons they've decided to seek counselling. 

What exactly is communication?

Communication can be described as the way we connect to other people. Sounds simple, doesn't it? It is in fact a very complicated process which most of us never deliberately learn - we just do it. The way we communicate or connect with others can have a major impact on our lives and that's why we at Relate think it is so important, not only in couple relationships but in all our other relationships too.

What is good communication?

Good communication can be described as a dance between two people. There's a place for you to dance together, the music sets the scene, you both sense the rhythm, take it in turns to 'do your thing', follow or take the lead, you do it together, it gives you both pleasure and has a purpose. If you are reasonably good at it, it should be a satisfying experience.

Maybe we wouldn't all feel the same about this dance. Perhaps the setting is wrong, it's not your kind of music, you've never really liked making an exhibition of yourself dancing, etc. However, if you can hang on to the idea of making the time, creating the right environment, sharing the experience, balancing the inputs, and moving together whilst doing different things, this could be a useful way of looking at the way you and your partner communicate.

How do I know if I'm a good communicator?

  • You could ask a friend to tell you how they find conversations with you.
  • Are you a good listener? Do you wait until the other person has finished what they've got to say before you chime in? Do you acknowledge what they have said?
  • Do you find it important to make time to have a conversation?
  • Do you make sure you understand fully what has been said? Do you check what you think you've heard with the person speaking?
  • Does your own view of the subject colour what has been said to you?
  • Do you relay your story in an interesting and informative way, sharing your feelings about the topic, or do you just give the bare facts?
  • Can you stay with what the other person is saying to you without interrupting, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable?

These questions may help you to get an idea of how you communicate.

How can I improve communication with my partner?

Set aside time to talk when you will not be interrupted. Take it in turns to have air time - some people find setting a timer for five minutes, one speaking while the other listens, then reversing the process, can create a space for each to talk without interruption.

Tell your partner how you felt, feel or will be feeling about something without blaming them. This can be tricky but it is a very useful way of owning your feelings.

Plan to go together somewhere that provides an environment you both find relaxing e.g. a walk in the park, a drink at a pub or a coffee when you're shopping, etc.

Remember that communication isn't all verbal. Consider what your body language communicates to your partner about what you're both saying.

Don't be surprised if there isn't an improvement straight away - you wouldn't expect to dance the salsa after only one attempt would you?

If you think you need to improve your conversations, these tips might be useful. If you're still having problems communicating as a couple, then do come to Relate where you can find support in learning to talk to each other in a more relaxed, effective, way.

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Are you a good communicator?

Differences between partners are rarely the real problem. It’s how those differences are dealt with that’s important. That’s why it’s so crucial that you’re able to communicate effectively.

When you can talk to your partner in a way that’s clear, constructive and collaborative, you can avoid so many arguments and misunderstandings that might otherwise cause a lot of trouble. Problems with communication really are at the core of so many relationship issues.

This quiz helps you work out what your communication strengths and weaknesses are and suggests practical ways you can start to improve.

How we can help

If you’re looking for support with your relationships, we can help. We offer a range of ways to speak with a trained relationship expert including ongoing counselling, 30 minute web and phone chats, and one session therapy.

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