I’m 34 and have a long history of mental health problems. In fact, I’ve spent most of my teenage and adult life in and out of treatment, so it’s difficult not to see myself as 'damaged goods'. I try hard to view myself with more compassion, but insecurities keep cropping up.
In particular, my ability to relax in my current relationship is being affected. This issue is compounded by others: my age/wanting to be a mother; the fact I've only just started dating again after five years (I didn't feel comfortable getting close to anyone during that time, as I can't help associating intimacy with danger); and because I have proven so sensitive to breakups previously and suffered such severe mental health that I’ve been unable to function.
On more than one occasion, this has led to problems with my job (work is my biggest source of pride, so this also hurts my self-esteem). One mental health crisis even led to homelessness. So my fear is that if a similar 'trigger' were to come up again, I wouldn't just be losing a relationship, I'd risk losing my job, my home, my health, my sense of self. Being close to someone feels so terribly fraught with danger. As my health is so much better and my career on track - I'm so scared to have another setback.
I’ve now met someone very good for me. For the first time, I am with someone highly empathic, committed, communicative and kind. He also has an anxiety disorder, so clear communication is important to him too. He is always supportive and he says such lovely things that he's brought tears to my eyes. When I'm calm, I love him very much. He's really wonderful and just the kind of person I always wanted to meet. But most of the time, I'm not calm, and it's then I find it difficult to feel a connection with him at all.
The main problem is dissociation/detachment - I feel quite literally like he isn't real. Like I have imagined him, like it hasn't sunk in. With such detachment I can't experience the happiness of this relationship and I've also been feeling more insecure than in past relationships. At one point, I felt so sure he had changed his mind about me that the only thing I could do to escape the pain was try not to think about it him at all - difficult to do when he has proven so attentive! Each 'I love you' text felt like a stab in the gut. Although the relationship was demonstrably intact, the emotional side of me had accepted it was over. Being able to see so clearly how unsuited these emotions are to the reality in front of me just makes me feel more damaged. The pain has reduced in intensity over the last couple of months, but it still raises its head sometimes, and underneath everything an unabating fear.
I don't think my fear is that I will lose this particular boyfriend - I love him and I certainly don't want to lose him, but the problem feels much deeper than that - I think the fear is that I can't have relationships. Given my past, my problems, my sensitivity to rejection - maybe I'm just broken now. And if my life crashed again, then I'd surely be broken forever. The more I find I can't relax and enjoy my relationship, the more I convince myself of this.
I keep trying to tell myself that being "totally broken" is just not possible, and that everyone can love and be loved if they are kind and considerate and find kind and considerate people to be with. At some level, it just won't sink in. Do you have any perspective to offer me that might help me through this difficult phase?
Yes, I do have a perspective for you. I don’t think you’re ‘broken’ or ‘damaged goods’. From what you tell me, you have faced great adversity in your life so far and are understandably frightened of being overwhelmed by the fear that you’re neither lovable or loving. Many people with serious mental health issues find themselves in this mindset. So too, do many others who have experienced different, but highly significant and influential challenges in their lives.
Your letter is intensely eloquent and what comes through most is a very real ‘chicken and egg’ scenario; the more you dare to feel in any way connected, the more you are reminded of what you stand to lose. Losing (or the possibility of losing) keeps you in a vicious cycle of fear and sadness, neither of which is likely to be supportive of your mental health.
Obviously, I can never fully understand the particular complexities you have faced and I’m definitely not a mental health specialist, so to a degree, my responses can only be very light touch. But over the years, I have supported many couples where fear of rejection and abandonment were very real, and so too, the belief that being ‘damaged’ meant that nothing could ever be different, so I hope that my points below may be helpful.
From what you tell me there are two main, very related issues. The first is your fear of pushing your boyfriend away. The second is that if that were to happen, it would somehow prove your theory about yourself which is that you can’t have relationships. Let’s start with the first one. The main issue here is that you can’t trust what you experience. The disassociation you describe helps you to avoid feelings that although potentially wonderful, also have the power to hurt you beyond measure. Naturally, most of us would try to avoid being hurt, so your fear is both real and normal. It becomes all or nothing and this is where the challenge lies. Somehow, you have to find a way to stay more focused on the every day ‘humdrum’ aspects of this relationship. Currently, I suspect that every word, gesture and text takes on huge meaning for you. Nothing can be ordinary and although you emphasise how hard you and your boyfriend have worked to ensure good communication, I’m wondering whether you hold back from telling him how you feel for fear of driving him away.
In essence, the point I’m making is about ‘staying in the moment’ and accepting that there will be good, bad and indifferent days for both of you. This is completely normal for every relationship, no matter what the challenges – mental health ones or otherwise. I know you understand this intellectually, but I wonder if in your heart, this is difficult for you to believe? Getting to grips with this idea may potentially help you manage the second of the two issues. A step-by-step approach, taking one moment a time helps to lay down a more level path towards managing some of your experiences. Currently every conversation, look, touch or comment is tormenting you with possible meaning. I understand that this may be attributable to your mental health and of course past experience, but my hope is that if you continue to get the support you need through therapy, you will find ways to take one time step at a time.
From what you say, you’ve found a man who loves you. That’s it – nothing more, nothing less. He accepts you for who you are - he chose to have a relationship with you. He did this because you are a worthwhile person who just like the rest of us has flaws and happens finds some things very difficult. He too, has issues around anxiety so I’m imagining that he can to a certain extent understand how things might affect you. That’s a real bonus, because by having a mutual understanding, you can start to form the most effective ways of communicating your need for reassurance. I get that sometimes no matter how reassuring he is, it just doesn’t make sense that he would want to stay with you, but if you can accept that those feelings are part of you and normal for you, maybe you won’t fight them quite as much. This, in turn, might help with accepting his love as real and just for you on the days where things feel calmer.
I don’t think that the road ahead is necessarily easier. But I do think that putting one step in front of the other, slowly and at your own pace is one way to begin believing that relationships and all the problems that go with them are meant for you too, because there is absolutely nothing ‘wrong’ with you.
Do you have a question to ask Ammanda?
Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
If you have a relationship worry you would like some help with send a message to Ammanda.
*We're not able to reply individually to every email we receive, please see our Talk to someone pages for further support.
Related content
Managing anxiety during Covid
For a lot of people, being forced out of normal routines and habits can take its toll on our moods, and being proactive to adjust to this may not come naturally when you're worried or stressed.
Depression in relationships
Depression affects around one in five people in the UK. It’s an illness that is now better understood as awareness grows. Less understood, however, are the ways in which depression can
How to tell your partner about your mental health problems
Telling a new partner, you have a mental health issue can feel like a big deal.