Maturity is often based on perspective - what might seem like annoying, immature traits to one person might feel like positive, carefree ones to someone else. ‘Acting like a child’ can be a good or bad thing depending on your perspective and most of us have the capacity to be childish, in one situation or another.
That said, there are certain behaviours that can make it difficult to maintain a strong connection in a relationship, especially if they occur regularly. To identify these, it can be useful to think about the qualities common to relationships that stay strong over a long period of time.
Behaviours common to ‘mature’ relationships
When looking at behaviours that are common to relationships that work, we might think about the following:
Expressing emotions openly with each other
Being open with your emotions means you can tell your partner when there’s something on your mind, and vice versa, if you’re upset about something or want to discuss a potential problem. If, instead of doing this, your partner either freezes you out, expecting you to be a mind reader or consistently lashes out at you verbally, it can really affect how you feel about them.
Being able to resolve arguments
This is closely connected to the above. A willingness to talk through any disagreements calmly, reasonably and honestly, and listen to what the other one has to say, is an essential skill in any relationship. Some level of disagreement or conflict is inevitable but it’s how you deal with it that counts. If your partner refuses to engage with you, gives you the silent treatment, stonewalls any attempt to resolve things or just gets angry or abusive, it can make it very difficult to resolve any disagreements which, in turn, allows negative feelings to fester over time. You may agree to disagree over some issues but it's so important to share what you're feeling and to hear how your partner is feeling so that you know where the other is coming from.
Being consistent
If your partner tells you they love you and wants to be with you but continues to live their life as if you were only a minor part of it, can be really hurtful and confusing. If they're very flirtatious with others, or they let you down regularly by being late, or rude to your friends and family, when they've told you that you're really important to them, you may be wondering if your relationship does have a future. Being consistent and keeping to your word are key in building and maintaining trust and love in a well-balanced relationship.
Talking about commitment
Being able to make plans together, if that's what you both want, is a key part of maintaining and developing your relationship. Starting to share your future with someone else is exciting and should bring you both real happiness. If it seems like your partner isn’t willing to talk about the future in any detail, it can be upsetting, as it can make you worry that they aren’t as interested as you are in having a long-lasting relationship. But it could be that one of you is wanting to move things on at a pace that the other one doesn't feel ready for. So it's really important to be able to check out with each other what you're both wanting, and to be able to hear what you have to say to each other about your future hopes.
What to do if you think your partner is immature
If you feel like any or all of the above are missing from your relationship, you may well feel that your partner needs to grow up.
So what can you do about it? Well, the simple-but-not-so-simple-answer is: ‘talk about it’.
'Simple' because, in truth, this is the single most important thing you can do when it comes to addressing difficult things in your relationship. And 'not so simple' because, obviously, this is often easier said than done.
It’s important to remember that talking things over with your partner isn’t necessarily about getting them to change their behaviour. If you approach them with the attitude of telling them everything they’re doing wrong and blaming them for all the problems you’re experiencing together, you’re not likely to get a good reaction.
Talking things over is about trying to address problems together and find a solution. It’s likely that if you’re finding certain things difficult, then they are too. If you approach a conversation in terms of making things better for both of you, your partner may be more interested in listening to you.
Hear what they have to say
The other reason to talk to your partner about your concerns is that it will give you a chance to hear what they have say.
While it can obviously be really frustrating to feel like your partner isn’t being mature, it’s also important to consider their perspective on things. It’s not uncommon for what might seem to be immature behaviour to be a symptom of some other issue in the relationship.
Rightly or wrongly, your partner may be expressing some frustration or sadness of their own by refusing to properly engage or be open with you. Very often, one person may resort to this kind of behaviour if they feel they aren’t being treated with respect - acting like a child because they feel they’re being viewed as one.
Talking things through in a calm, honest and open manner will give your partner a chance to say anything that they’re feeling. Although it can be hard to hear this kind of thing, it’s also important to be willing to - just as you’d like them to be willing to hear what you’re not liking at the moment.
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