My partner wants sex all the time but I’m too exhausted

Your letter and several others similar seem to be all about the roles people have taken in their relationship... 

From what you tell me you've taken on the role of a parent to a spouse who could by any standard be described as behaving like a truculent teenager. 

Everything seems to be about what he will and won't do. It sounds like you've occupied two related roles in this relationship. The first is always picking up the slack for what he won't do and second, trying to meet his expectations about things like sex. 

I'm curious about his lack of work and how that situation has perpetuated. Are there any physical or mental health issues for him that make work potentially too difficult. Has he had jobs but struggled with a working environment which, as many people will know, can present significant challenges.  

Whatever the reason, it sounds like you have both fallen into specific relational roles where you do everything and feel resentful and he feels resentful and let down because you're not up for the bedroom antics he would particularly enjoy. 

With any long-term relationship, I'm always curious regarding what brought the couple together in the first place. We're attracted to people for all sorts or reasons. Some we're aware of and some we're not. Sometimes what attracts us to a partner is what then becomes the bugbear further down the line. For example, if you're one of life's copers and a 'let's get all this sorted' type of person, you may have found your husband's reluctant acceptance quite appealing at first. Being with someone who was OK with you organising, doing and managing things may have appealed to the organiser in you.  

Likewise some relationships develop along the lines of a parent and child dynamic where one of the partners is effectively behaving like a parent   whilst their other half veers between rebelling and demanding and then sulking, blaming and withdrawing. Over time though and especially once children come along, all that extra work or mental load feels like a complete burden. You then feel angry, resentful and exhausted and he can't really understand why anything should be different from before, and so it goes round in circles. 

So, what to do now....basically, if there is to be any chance of the relationship becoming more equal, your respective role needs to change. I mentioned 'roles' earlier and how we get into them. These are often related to early life experiences and understanding how those might affect what we bring into an adult relationship can sometimes help to work out the best way of making changes.  

For the avoidance of all doubt, I'm not suggesting that how he behaves is your fault. Only he can change himself and his behaviours and he certainly needs to do that. I wonder though if you took some time to work with a counsellor it might help you to feel stronger to hold some boundaries which would potentially make it completely clear that you're not prepared for things to stay as they are and he needs to recognise that you are deserving of care, respect and support.  

That's one way and of course the other is where I think your heart is which is to call it a day on this relationship.