All families have secrets of one kind or another. Letters, photos, objects locked hidden away at the back of a drawer, perhaps memories of past events too painful to think about. So how do we know whether to share these secrets or keep them private?
Keeping secrets
There are shared secrets parents rightly choose to keep from their children; perhaps intending them to be shared when they're older; or perhaps we intend some secrets never to be shared. Sometimes, a parent will entrust a child with a secret and instruct them not to the other parent.
Knowledge is power, but can also be a burden, and it's rarely justifiable to involve children in these situations. Secrets take up a lot of energy through keeping them locked away whilst holding inside the constant fear of being discovered.
Of course, we have a right to our privacy, but it's difficult when that privacy impacts on someone close to us, who may have a desire, or need, not to be kept in the dark.
Balancing secrecy and openness in family life
Our upbringings will vary in how our families managed secrecy and openness between themselves and those outside the family such as friends and colleagues. For some of us, a measure of secrecy in family life seems inevitable and only to be expected, and we are not that threatened by the possibility of some things being hidden or private. We may even see it as evidence of respect for an individual’s right to privacy.
For others, secrecy is always unhealthy and seen as evidence of mistrust, so we want to live in a family where everything is out in the open.
When we consider the themes that get caught up in this topic such as trust, betrayal, respect, fear, privacy, deceit, honesty, suspicion, guilt, shame and openness, it’s clear why this is such a powerful topic and there are often no simple answers.
Of course, there a different types of secrets and whether to share something with others in or out of the family space may come down to some of the following factors:
- Who would be most affected?
- What would you gain by sharing this secret?
- What would you lose?
- Is your reason for keeping the secret still a good one?
- Is anyone in danger or could someone by harmed by not knowing this secret?
It’s also important to remember that bad things like sexual and domestic abuse thrive in secrecy with victims often shamed or intimidated into not telling someone who could help them become safe. By encouraging an environment where family members, friends or colleagues understand that any fears or concerns will be listened to and taken seriously, you're helping to promote thriving and healthy relationships where everyone has the chance to flourish.
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