My husband keeps cheating on me

That's the curious thing about saying the same thing over and over again. The people we're talking to usually stop listening because they've heard it all before and think we don't really mean business.

We tell partners how we feel in all sorts of ways. Some of us store things up and then let rip, some of us say nothing because we're worried about the answer we might get and some of us are calm  and reasonable and really try to understand a partner's point of view —  choosing carefully considered the words we use so we don't get accused of making mountains out of molehills.

What we quite often don't do, is spell out what will happen unless a certain behaviour stops. Now, there are reasons for this. Sometimes it's just not safe to. Domestic abuse for instance often means that if a partner speaks out, they risk violence or further violence. Relationships where one partner is coercively controlling means that often the other person is likely to come off much worse if they speak out to their abuser. These are very serious situations and require additional support to help whoever is being abused to be safe.

From what you describe, it sounds as if your relationship has got into a pattern that really is an emotionally abusive one. You suspect something is wrong, you look for proof, you feel you find it, you confront him and then he either denies it or says it won't happen again. You tell me that when he does actually agree he's been in touch with other women, he also tells you that it meant nothing. But, I suspect it means everything to you because he repeatedly breaks the trust that you're entitled to expect from a committed relationship. There's nothing wrong with open partnerships but to make those work, each person has to be in full agreement that they want to run things this way. For you though, it sounds like you didn't sign up to that and are constantly on the alert, and as so often happens, ending up almost playing detective, trying to second guess every word and action. That's exhausting.

You tell me this has gone on for a long time and I wonder if this is because at some level you feel you can change your husband's behaviour. Sometimes we almost make ourselves responsible for a partner and start to believe that if only we can find the right words then they'll change.

Although talking together is nearly always helpful, in this case, I think you have to decide what the long-term effects of all this are likely to be if things don't take a turn for the better.  I'm not for a moment suggesting that this is an easy thing to contemplate. Finance, children and fears of being lonely make it entirely understandable that people stay in relationships that are upsetting in one way or another.

Sometimes it's just not possible to make the move away from something that causes emotional pain. We might even think we don't deserve anything better. Some people grow up believing that they should carry on regardless of their own emotional wellbeing and consistently prioritise another's welfare to the detriment of their own. I wonder if that's what's happening here. You're telling me that you love this man but his behaviour is destroying you and you just want him to stop. At the risk of being very challenging, I don't think that's likely to happen. I don't know why he carries on as you describe — some people develop addictive behaviours, others find it difficult to hear how much of what they do distresses their partner.

But from what you tell me, I think you now have to be very clear in your own mind how much longer you can go on with this situation. Although he's entirely responsible for the choices he's making, every time you in effect, have him back, you may well be adding to his misguided belief that what he's doing isn't really all that much of a problem. Seeing a counsellor and having some time for yourself may help you decide how you want to take things forward. Friends are great and as you say, they always seem to have the answer but the important part of all this is that you find the answer that's right for you. 

Counselling may help you to have a different conversation with him, and if you go together this could be helpful, but I doubt he'll be keen. Either way, hopefully you will be supported to work out what you actually want to do to keep yourself emotionally safe and decide on a way to communicate that to him and mean it, because what's happening now is not OK.