The term ‘co-dependent relationship’ is one that many people might be familiar with, but it is also one that few fully understand
We might sometimes get a sense of a couple having a ‘co-dependent relationship’ without really knowing what that means — or even worry that we’re in a relationship ourselves that might be described as ‘co-dependent’.
We might have an idea that this means being reliant on each other in a way that isn’t necessarily healthy, but beyond this, not know how to tackle it, or feel uncertain about whether it needs to be addressed at all.
What is a co-dependent relationship?
In counselling, the basic premise of a co-dependent relationship is one where we may project something onto our partner in terms of how and who we want them to be. That allows us to stay in our own role. An example might be that ‘I will care for you and you will let me do that’.
Sometimes it's more subtle. We often see elements of co-dependency in relationships where one person is an extrovert and the other an introvert — with the former bringing fun and activity into the partnership and the other providing a more calm, nurturing environment where it’s needed.
These are obviously very different situations, but what links them is the sense of one person having something that the other ‘needs’, and both benefitting from this being provided. The self-esteem of each member of the couple is maintained by carrying out their ‘role’. This, broadly speaking, is what we mean by co-dependency.
There's a (mostly) unconscious agreement in co-dependent relationships that you're not going to do anything to change things. That's only a problem if someone loses themselves in their role and can't get themselves back again. They might get stuck. Take the example above, for instance. The cared for person might lose their sense of agency, making them helpless over time.
At its more extreme end, this dynamic can mean one partner ends up almost totally in charge, deciding exactly what both of them will do day-to-day, while the other is deferential and takes a back seat in arranging things.
So is it always a bad thing?
Not necessarily. In fact, a degree of imbalance can often be what makes a relationship work.
You and your partner being good at different things can be what allows you to compliment each other — it may be what gives you a sense of being a ‘good fit’. You may feel pleased that you’re able to do some things while they’re able to do others. Far from creating issues, this sense of fulfilling one another’s needs can be what makes you happy.
In fact, even in cases where the imbalance is even greater, this isn’t necessarily a problem if the couple are happy with how things work. Different people enjoy different kinds of relationships, and only we as individuals know what kind we want to have.
However, it’s when the dependency on this imbalance is so great that the relationship is seriously challenged by even small changes that you can start to have problems.
This might sound strange, but it’s a more common situation than you might imagine. A person who has been the primary breadwinner might find it difficult to adjust if their partner begins to earn more money than them. A partner who has always been the stable, emotionally intelligent one might find it troubling to realise they need support after going through something difficult. The person who has been the one who decides where they’re going on holiday might be put out if the other decides to take a more active role in this.
Some of these issues are easier to overcome than others, but it’s worth understanding whether your relationship is flexible enough to deal with changes to your lives and circumstances — as, over a long period of time, these changes are likely to occur.
How do we adjust to change?
If you feel like elements of co-dependency in your relationship are making it difficult to adjust to change — or just that you and your partner aren’t complimenting each other in a way that’s healthy — then it’s important to try to address the issue, rather than let it sit. These kinds of problems can take a while to work out, and can often get worse over a period of time if simply left alone.
What’s important is that you’re able to re-adjust your expectations of the relationship and your roles within it. The purpose of any conversation on this topic will be to understand and accept that the nature of your relationship may change, but that you’ll still be on the same team regardless.
This might be saying something as simple as: ‘I want to have more of a say in how we organise our finances. I know I haven’t always wanted this, but I’m beginning to feel that this is more important to me’. Or it might mean going a little deeper, and looking together at your roles in the relationship and how you perceive them.
It may be that you feel you’re the more dominant person, and recognise that you’re finding it difficult to adjust to your partner becoming less dependent on you. In this case, it will be important to try to understand your partner’s perspective: how they’re feeling about things, how they’re experiencing the change — whether they think it’s a good thing.
This kind of issue can be difficult to talk about. It can be tricky to accept that your relationship isn’t the same — or that you or your partner aren’t the same as when you first met. But being able to adjust to change is a really important part of any stable relationship: and it’s only by practicing that we can get better.
When is co-dependency abusive?
People in co-dependent relationships don’t usually realise they are in one. Or, if they do, they’re unlikely to use the term ‘co dependent’ to describe it.
They’re much more likely to have a sense of the imbalance of power and they may feel it’s an imbalance they aren’t happy with. Sometimes, this imbalance can lead to a situation becoming abusive, usually when one person’s reliance on the sense of being ‘in charge’ means they deliberately keep their partner down or try to control them.
This can include things like always checking up on them, telling them what to do or just generally making them feel intimidated or controlled. In situations like this, one person is being treated in an abusive way — and this is totally unacceptable.
If you feel like this describes your relationship, it’s important you try to talk to someone. One effect of being controlled is beginning to doubt whether you’ve got any right to complain. Tell your GP, midwife, health visitor, teacher at school, trusted friend or make contact directly with one of the many agencies who will work with you and your children to help to become safer.
Domestic Violence Freephone Helpline on 0808 2000 247. Their trained support team can talk things over with you and help you think about what to do.
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