ask ammanda

I feel trapped in my relationship

Hello, this is a wild card but...sometimes just writing something down helps understanding to develop.  

I've been in a loving, affectionate relationship with a lovely man for almost 15 years. We were friends for a year prior to this, having met in a kung fu class. My previous history of relationships was with turbulent partners. He was the first man I met who just wanted me to be happy.

We got on very easily from the start and share a great appreciation of nature. There were never any disagreements and we laughed and still laugh a lot. However, from the start, I found him difficult to read when it came to deeper emotions and the sexual chemistry was non-existent. Indeed, our sex life has destroyed my self-esteem in this area and has often felt like a chore. There's nothing overtly wrong, it's just that I've never found him arousing, and as it sometimes goes on to the point where I'm actually distressed it's something I try to avoid. Trying to talk to him about it is pretty futile as he doesn't feel there's anything wrong. As every other aspect of the relationship is lovely it's something I've always dismissed as being unimportant and something I just have to live with. 

After 4 years I had a brief fling with a much older man, as I'd become disenchanted with our sex life, I felt miserable and as though I needed to know I could still feel aroused by someone and enjoy sex. My partner found out and it devastated him. He forgave me, and things went back to normal.

However, despite the horror of the pain I caused him, my heart has continued to search. I've continued to feel as though something is lacking. I have constant nagging doubts that my partner is more like a brother to me and always has been. He's very insular, has no friends and doesn't like going out anyway, and just wants me, which I feel puts pressure upon me and leaves me feeling trapped. As our relationship has developed, it has frustrated me that I am solely responsible for the most important household duties and also that we are very much alone together. My mental health has never been great, and the past few years have felt like a downward spiral.

This year I started a new job. I instantly felt accepted and supported by my new team members and threw myself into it with gusto. Nonetheless, my depression and my doubts haunted me and I would go way to hide and cry.

A month and a half after I started, a new man joined the team. We hit it off immediately and talked easily and warmly. He's also very physically attractive to me. After a little while, he asked me if I'd consider giving him a lift to and from work as a kind of car share, to which I agreed. I loved spending time in his company, he made me feel alive and connected with a sense of identity I'd been lacking for so long. The attraction developed and it transpired he felt the same.

Despite our intentions, our powerful chemistry spilled into a strong physical and emotional relationship. I feel a connection to him like no one I've ever known. He's reignited me, brought me back to life. But we both suffer terrible guilt from our actions.

Because of my previous history, I cannot afford for my partner to find out. It would make him feel utterly worthless. But in all the time I've spoken to him of my concerns with our relationship this year, his reactions have been that I'm his Queen, that I'm his best friend, that he knows I'd never cheat on him.

I feel utterly trapped; I can't move forwards or back. My emotional and mental health are on the rocks, and it feels like my new love and I are very much alone and against the world. It's hurting him so much too and I can't bear it. I just don't know where to even start. My partner is so happy and contented, and seeing others happy keeps me going. I can't bear to break his heart. This is all on me for neither understanding my own feeling in the first place, nor it's implications. I need to talk more to him, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Ammanda says...

Yes, you are trapped aren’t you but not by what you think.

The bottom line here is that you desperately want to leave your long-term relationship and don’t know how to do it. That’s fuelled by the fear that you will break someone’s heart no matter which decision you make.   

You describe years of feeling uncared for in ways that mean the most to you. You have sex that makes you distressed and whilst I don’t want to overegg this point, you’re almost bullied by your partner’s own sense of worthlessness. I think what’s happened here is that you’ve made yourself responsible for his happiness without necessarily giving due consideration to the responsibility he has to it himself. Of course, healthy relationships ebb and flow. Hopefully, in a positive relationship, each partner feels able to sublimate their own needs occasionally for the benefit of their other half. It can’t always be about me, so when a partner is feeling low, focusing on their needs doesn’t feel like a threat or overwhelming or diminishing.

We can all feel worthless sometimes. Life is tough, sometimes brutal. Its impact can take such a toll on how we feel about ourselves. In this case though you describe someone who has projected all the responsibility for keeping him happy onto you. Putting you on that pedestal as his queen ensures that his own sense of worthlessness has become yours too and it’s this that’s making it really tough to do what you most want. From what you describe the relationship is entirely one way and largely on his terms. He cannot or even will not hear your concerns and won’t allow anything to change. Whether he’s aware of doing this or not I don’t know but unfortunately, I suspect that he’s exploiting your need to keep him happy and there’s more than a whiff of you being bullied by kind words. In fact, this may feel hard to believe but quite a bit of what’s going on here is really quite controlling.

I’m struck too by your comment that seeing others being happy keeps you going. Of course, most people like to see or feel that their interaction with others creates joy. Sometimes though we can overdo this a bit and end up only happy when others signal that we’re doing something wonderful for them. In this case his assurances that you’re his princess at one level reassures you that he is indeed happy also keeps you trapped in a relationship where essentially you don’t really have a voice. 

This happens in lots of relationships for all sorts of reasons. Feeling ultimately responsible for making others happy or pleased with us sometimes emerges from younger days when perhaps we were praised as kids for being good or being very well behaved. It felt nice so we did it some more.  For some people, it might be that getting praise or acceptance of any sort was in short supply so it’s hardly surprising that there can be the tendency to seek out an adult partner who initially makes us feel really good. As we grow up, this can translate into adult relationships where we unknowingly seek a partner who helps us co-create the feel-good factor from the past.

Now, of course, none of this might be applicable here. Relationships are complicated. Sometimes we just grow into ways of doing things. Interactions become habits that are then difficult to change or break free from. Whatever has happened here, you need to get some professional help. I say this because what’s trapping you at the moment is an overactive sense of duty towards keeping this man happy. Counselling could help you unpick this and most importantly support you to reach decisions that are right for you, your emotional wellbeing and your future. You have invested everything in keeping your long term partner afloat but the weight of that is heavy and that’s no recipe for anything positive. And as for your new love, whilst of course, I’m sure it’s wonderful to have found someone ready to care about you and your needs, it’s possibly a good idea to get that counselling to help you process the powerful feelings you have about all this so that as far as possible whatever route you choose, you feel more free and available to focus on your own needs.

Do you have a question to ask Ammanda?

Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice

If you have a relationship worry you would like some help with send a message to Ammanda.

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