So my husband and I weren’t intimate for 3 months. I was going through a cancer scare and waiting for test results and appointments. Well, finally we did make love about 5 weeks ago. 3 days later my husband said he fucked up, I asked what was wrong for him to tell me he was watching porn and while masturbating the porn site took a picture of him through his phone and blackmailed him saying if he didn’t pay money into their account they were going to tell all his contacts what he has been watching.
At first, it didn’t register what he was saying. I said but we have only just had sex why were you watching porn? Then anger hit and then betrayal and hurt and all while I was waiting on results from the hospital. It couldn’t have happened at a worse time. He said he was sorry and it wouldn’t happen again
But I can’t move on I keep asking why. Does he not find me attractive? He said he does and he loves me. I’ve tried spicing up the marriage and sent him some pictures of myself I’ve bought new underwear and tried new things but now I think I’ve Ed put him off even more as now he’s having trouble staying hard.
We love each other and both want to work at our marriage. We have some really good days then I will picture him watching porn and we are back to square one. I know men watch it but I never expected it from him he was just never like that and now I feel like I’ve been married to a man for 20 yrs and never knew him at all.
I don’t know how I should feel but I know I’m hurt and don’t know how to move forward and it’s affecting us both as he feels guilty and he’s trying but I keep pushing him away. It’s just a awful time but we both don’t want our marriage to end.
What a frightening time you’ve both had. It’s completely understandable that you should both be in shock and wondering what all this is going to do to your marriage. But what comes shining through is an overwhelming sadness about the possibility that it could end but how you really, really don’t want that to happen. I hope I can help you avert that possibility...
When people write about things like this, they often start from the premise that someone has done something ‘wrong’. We all do this occasionally because it feels like it might help us get to an answer quickly, as in ‘it was your fault, not mine’, the inference being ‘just take the blame and we can move on’.
The problem with that of course is that unspoken fears and concerns are not aired and they just fester so it’s so positive that you’re asking lots of questions and trying to understand where your husband might be coming from. That’s great but he needs also to see that you’ve been deeply hurt by what’s gone on so having some real conversations together will be the most likely way of working things through.
So, let’s start with the basics. The criminals here are those attempting to blackmail your husband. But their actions prompted him to have to share his porn use with you and that’s set the ball rolling where you seek so much information and yet most likely dread hearing the responses, even when they appear to be reassuring ones. Although you tell me you know ‘men watch it’ I think the fact that he was looking at porn when you were going through an exceptionally scary time maybe encourages you to believe he didn’t care enough about your heightened feelings.
Now, that could of course be true, but actually, a more likely scenario is that looking at porn was a distraction from his own scared feelings and what if’s. That does not for one minute diminish its impact on you but I think, when looked through an alternative lens such as I describe, it is sometimes possible to start seeing a bigger picture about how you both coped with what for anyone is usually a very anxiety-provoking time.
Of course, some people do have real problems with porn use. There are a range of views ‘out there’ regarding whether excessive porn us is an addiction and I’m not going to get into that one here. What is incontrovertible though is the impact on a partner and that is what needs processing now.
I would strongly suggest you seek couple counselling to look at what’s happened in the marriage so that you can both find a positive way forward to move on from it. That doesn’t mean forgiving and forgetting, but it does mean talking openly and honestly together about the multitude of thoughts, feelings, and anxieties that have claimed your relationship in the last few months.
Everything in your email suggests that with some help both of you can get through this. I can’t recall a more heartfelt description of two people who understandably fear the power that difficult times may have to destroy what they hold most dear. With help, that fear can be managed and it’s amazing what can happen when you feel in charge of scary feelings rather than them being in charge of you.
Do you have a question to ask Ammanda?
Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
If you have a relationship worry you would like some help with send a message to Ammanda.
*We're not able to reply individually to every email we receive, please see our Talk to someone pages for further support.
Related content
Porn addiction
The widespread accessibility of porn means that more people are watching it than ever before. One consequence of this is that cases of addiction to porn are more common than ever.
Stress and sex: nine ways to keep it fun and stress-free
Let’s face it: putting the pressure on doesn’t make it happen quicker or better. Adding extra stress to your intimate relationships isn’t going to make them better or more fulfilling, in fact, the opposite may be true.
Relationship Counselling
It doesn't matter if you’re on your own, married, living together, LGBTQI+, non-monogamous or anything in between - we’re here to help you strengthen your relationships.