My long distance partner has depression

You’re certainly not stupid. What you are though is a concerned partner who is very worried about someone they care about yet doesn’t know what to do. Lots of people feel like this at some point in their relationships. It can make us feel helpless and useless in equal measure. Weirdly, we can also end up feeling just like the partner we’re worrying about. But here’s a suggestion for what you might do.

The first thing to recognise is that although I’m sure you want this more than anything else in the world right now – you can’t make this better for her. She has identified what she needs to do to help her recover or feel stronger – maybe it’s both of these things. Sad though it is, part of that journey for her is to focus on this rather than be distracted by you. I know this will seem very harsh but I think you should be guided by her wishes. Equally, let her know that if she wants to have contact then you’ll be there. Now the issue with this approach, of course, is that you too have a life that needs to be lived and sometimes it can be very difficult to know when to decide that a much loved relationship has run its course. This is particularly true if we’ve been with a partner who has withdrawn due to mental or physical health problems. Nobody really wants to think of themselves as the one who disappeared when their partner may have needed them most. Doing this is seriously not a good look - nonetheless at some point, it may actually be the right thing for both of you. But you’re not there yet.

Secondly, it might be helpful to reflect on how you may have both changed in recent times. From what you tell me, you’ve been together since you were fifteen. Regardless of the intensity of feeling, we change as we move through our teens into our early twenties. What seemed bright early on can start to dim as we embrace what’s ‘out there’. At the risk of being very challenging here, perhaps in one way your partner is trying to tell you she’s changed and needs to move on. It’s often really difficult to share this with someone you have loved and sometimes people become emotionally distressed – depressed or highly anxious - when the real issue is that they have something to say but can’t say it directly. I have no idea if this is the case here, but I think you’re showing me that you want to consider every possibility and that’s one for consideration. 

Equally, her mental health issues may come from somewhere completely different – perhaps work, fear of failure and so on. Most people experience feelings like this at some point. There’s nothing wrong with feeling like this and it’s a shame that such feelings often get labelled as ‘medical’ when in fact, they’re a normal response to feeling overwhelmed. Perhaps your partner has identified that she needs to take time away from things she knows and work out what’s going on for her. Obviously you’re not actually with her, but you can still encourage her to seek any help that she might find useful - just be careful not to crowd her out. This obviously isn’t helpful and can start to feel like additional pressure. 

Self-harming, however, always needs supportive help. I’m sure you’re concerned as you don’t know if she is talking with anyone about what’s going on for her. Counselling can really assist people to understand things differently and make changes, so if you were offering suggestions to her you could ask for reassurance that she is accessing help of some sort. 

I’m wondering, too, if her family is aware of her distress. Obviously in the absence of any information about your family relationships I can’t really comment, but there is a decision to be made by you as to whether to share your concerns with someone from her immediate family. This is a delicate issue because at the end of the day, people are entitled not to disclose information to others if they don’t want to. Often though, things can get worse when partners feel isolated. Linking this to her sense that no-one cares, it might be opportune to consider sharing what she has told you with her mum or dad, sibling or friend. Yes, it could backfire horribly and although telling tales out of school never goes down well, this is a different order of things and her welfare is very important as you have so clearly identified.

Thirdly, you’ve also been reflecting on how you approach conversation and debate with her. You’ve identified that you don’t always ‘get it’ by failing to notice when the conversation has become difficult or when she’s upset. This is something you could work on. While we all say things badly sometimes and cause unintentional hurt to partners, it’s important to recognise this and take steps to do things differently. Perhaps just listening to her might have made a difference, rather than having spirited debate. Although your shared debating might have seemed like good competitive fun when it started, it’s hard to feel ‘spirited’ when you’re very down, so maybe you may have enjoyed it a bit too much and as a result missed some cues here and just carried on regardless. Or perhaps you’re someone who finds it difficult to read other people’s emotions. This is the case for lots of people and the trick then is to acknowledge this and work out ways that you can each help each other to understand when conversations are going AWOL.

So finally, I’d suggest that you agree to what she is asking but make it clear that you’re concerned and there to listen if that would be helpful. Encourage her to get some help and see if it’s possible to occasionally check in together to see how she is – but remember – no spirited debate.

Maybe you’ll come through this together, maybe the relationship will end. But if that’s the case, what you’ve had has clearly been a very important, valued part of your lives together and that will always be something you can look back on and nurture. But risking that somewhat patronising stance of ‘you’re still very young’, you actually do have your whole life ahead of you and sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to acknowledge what we’ve had and move on. It’s painful, upsetting and can leave us with a sense of ‘what could I have done differently’. But here’s the thing … learning from relationships is one of the great pluses of being in one. We can take what we have learned into new ones and perhaps not make the same mistakes again. I hope you and she find a way forward together, but if that’s not the case then there will be new relationships waiting for you. You just have to realise that it’s OK to acknowledge this.