My wife’s lost interest in sex and I’m scared I’m losing her

I completely understand the sense of loss and connection you express. It’s devastating to feel you once had something so precious that’s now out of reach. But a couple of things come to mind which might be helpful to consider. 

I’ve worked with many couples on the issues you describe. One of the conversations that often arose in therapy was that of a partner feeling the entire emphasis in the relationship was to do with sex. In this case, it sounds like your focus is on the loss of a hugely satisfying sex life. 

I’m wondering though if your wife feels that this is only what’s important to you now. You describe her as loving and caring towards you, but you don’t mention how you engage with her other than presumably about your sadness that sex seems off the cards. Very often people get polarised. The more you say you want and need sex and the closeness it brought you, the more she may be hearing that all you’re interested in is sex. You’ve explained that you’ve tried talking to her about it.  

But if the focus of the conversation is about sex and how you need and miss it, could that be interpreted as being solely interested in your own needs? I can imagine that sharing how sad you feel might be your way of reminding her how much you love and want her. Unfortunately, depending on where she is with her own feelings, it could just sound like it’s all about you. 

I’m wondering too about the impact of menopause. Only your wife can truly know how she has experienced this so far. There are some sweeping generalisations about ‘what happens’ to woman as they experience menopause. It can encompass so many feelings any of which can impact on things like sex and relationships. If your wife has recently gone through menopause, is this something that you’ve been able to talk about together? What she needs sexually may have changed. What she needs generally may have changed. Until you understand how things are for her; it may seem to her that her needs go unnoticed. 

I understand your fear that no sex might mean she no longer wants the relationship. I don’t think that is necessarily the case at all. What it may signal though is that you may need some help to start a different conversation. As things stand, I can see that your sadness and maybe latent resentment that things seem to have changed without you having any say in the matter will only grow whilst you occupy the same positions.  

Now, you’re oppositional, sitting on the opposite side of the table from each other with the problem right there in the middle. I would definitely recommend counselling because this so often helps people to sit on the same side and explore ‘the problem’ together as opposed to dealing with the fallout from an ever-growing impasse. 

If you suggest counselling, I don’t think it will be helpful to emphasize that the only reason to go is to regain exactly what you had before. No counsellor is going to take that position either. Rather, they will help you to consider any underlying issues and enable you to discuss openly and honestly what you both need from the relationship going forward. Counselling often helps people hear their partner differently. You know how it can be sometimes – saying the same thing over and over invariably gets you the same result so it can be time to change the dialogue and potentially find greater understanding, acceptance and change. 

There may be some difficult conversations ahead. You may not get back exactly what you had before. You may though, at the very least, find some answers together that help you through the next stage in your relationship.