I'm going through a bad break up

The last few words of your letter describe those feelings that anyone who has lost someone dear to them knows all too well. There are few things more painful than losing someone we love. No matter how it happens, the feeling of being abandoned and alone can be overwhelming. It’s particularly difficult when a partner leaves but won’t or can’t give you any reasons that makes sense. Even when it does make sense, it’s still so hard to accept that such a major decision has been made without you being able to influence it in any way. 

It’s even worse to hear he still loves you because you might reasonably feel that if he really does still loves you, then surely something could have been worked out. It sounds too as if the contact you still have because of looking after a much loved pet is possibly making things seem far more difficult. Although I can imagine that you long for those moments of connection, in a way, you’re having to relive the break up each time he goes. 

The rollercoaster of receiving sentimental texts even after he said he was leaving, only to be followed up by hard, straight to the point ones tells me perhaps that he has struggled with getting his message to across to you. Maybe he thought that by telling you he still had feelings for you might in some way help you to feel better about everything. This rarely works in my experience and maybe he’s figured that out too and now wants to keep communication to a minimum. Often, cutting someone off completely is one way that partners try to manage their own pain and believe they’re being ‘cruel to be kind’ by taking the abrupt approach with the person they are leaving. 

When a break up is so new, (and I know that seven weeks is currently feeling like an eternity) there’s often a strong temptation to get through the pain of it all as soon as possible. Why wouldn’t anyone want to do that given that few of us actually want to experience serious emotional distress. But at the risk of sounding very challenging, I think you’re trying to move on too quickly. All the socialising, walking and everything else you’re doing to keep yourself from focusing on what’s happened may be having the opposite effect. 

I don’t for a moment suggest that you shouldn’t see friends and get some air occasionally but the reality is that moving on too quickly can mean that we stay stuck with the pain of it all for longer. That’s because grief, like most things is a journey. Although there are many variations, we usually move through several stages: shock and disbelief, sometimes accompanied with denial and anger, depression and all the physical symptoms you mention. Everything you’ve said you’re experiencing right now sounds like a normal reaction to the grief you feel. The replaying of what might have been - the things that should have been said but didn’t get an airing for whatever reason, all of this often makes it difficult to really accept what’s happened. 

But you’ve written to me to say you don’t know what to do. So, I would strongly suggest that you keep the appointment with the counsellor. Quite possibly, you feel you don’t really know how going will help. Often people think what’s the point because the cause of the problem is simple, he’s gone and I’m distraught. But sometimes counselling can help people to explore what’s happened in a way that eventually helps with recovery. Family and friends are a big help some of the time but quite naturally, they all have their own take on what’s happened. In my experience, that can range between “He wasn’t worth it, let’s help you to forget” to “let’s dissect what’s happened” and sometimes, most unhelpfully, “if you’d done this or that, maybe he’d still be around”. Family support has its place but right now I would say the neutral space that counselling can offer may be a place where you can move on at your own pace. Seeing them isn’t going to make the pain go away, but it might help you in more ways than seem obvious right now. 

With anything we treasure, grieving for its loss is an essential part of being human and eventually we move on. Moving on doesn’t mean that you no longer feel sad about an ending or don’t have regrets about things that each of you could have done differently. It does mean looking back and valuing what was good as well as being realistic about what may not have been working and perhaps, in time, you may be able to talk together about the relationship in a way that doesn’t feel so traumatising. 

It can also help us to identify how we might want things to be in any future relationship. I know from what you say you feel this is no time to be thinking about next steps, let alone new relationships. But the point I want to leave you with is simply to say that what you’re experiencing is entirely normal. That doesn’t mean you have to do all this on your own. Talk with friends, see the counsellor and go back to the GP if necessary. But as time goes on, I hope you will be see that there really is life after the break up and although you can’t see what future choices and opportunities lie ahead, they will be waiting for you when you’re ready.