I’ve been with my husband for nearly sixteen years. Married for nearly ten, we have four children together. For the first thirteen years, my husband was the most wonderful husband and father you could ask for. Our relationship was solid. Then three years ago, I found out he’d started using cocaine in our home once a month while the children and I were in bed. This was a complete shock to me, as my husband has always been practically teetotal. Having asked him to leave, he broke down and confessed everything: he’d tried it once on a work night out and liked it, so looked forward to it as a ‘treat’ once a month. He went to drug counselling, but they said his occasional use didn’t constitute addiction and he claimed he could stop.
Over the next few years, my husband became addicted instead to prescription drugs given to him by the GP for a backache. It was obvious he was abusing his medication and it was difficult to tell sometimes which drugs he was actually taking.
Ten months ago, my husband started bringing up my sexual past. I’d always been honest about the number of partners I’d had previously, and while not a high number, it had never before been an issue between us. He would look at me in disgust and regularly tell me that certain people I’d slept with before him made him feel sick. He would stop speaking to me for days at a time. This would cause conflict, as I felt emotionally abused about something that I did before I met him. Finally, I had enough and threatened to leave with the children. He cried all day and night and begged me not to leave him. I reluctantly agreed, as long as he promised to stop.
Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. This made me unhappy, as we hadn’t been getting on, but he reassured me that he was happy and that it might be what he needed to sort himself out. Just an hour later, he went out to buy dinner and came home completely off his face! He made up a story about the GP giving him new tablets. The next day I found evidence that he’d taken cocaine again in our house, I remembered all the times he’d acted that way and even times when he’d looked after our children alone. I threw him out and I threw a cup at him in temper!
That week, he went on a drug-fuelled rampage. He missed a day off work and lied to his boss, saying our daughter had been in hospital with kidney problems (she hadn’t). He then lost his job (of ten years) for refusing a drugs test. Most upsetting of all, he changed his Facebook status to ‘single’ and friended random women. One has kids at our children’s school. He messaged her repeatedly and invited himself round to hers for coffee. Adamant nothing happened, she told me he was clearly off his face and that he made her feel really uncomfortable. He’d told her we’d been split up a month, that he didn’t care about me and I was abusive (as I’d hit him with a mug).
My husband has now admitted to everything but says he doesn’t know why he did any of these things. He claims that he didn’t find any of the women attractive and probably did it because of the hurt I caused him.
I literally don’t know if I can accept this. I’ve never had any reason to question him before. Drugs have literally changed him into someone I don’t recognise. I keep going over everything in my head, thinking he may have secretly have fancied this woman or maybe he doesn’t love me like he once did. I just don’t know what to do.
Let me help you here. Your husband is probably still in the grip of addiction and you and your children are paying the price for this in every way. I can imagine that you feel utterly alone with all this but although I’m sure it’s very little consolation, what you’re describing is, unfortunately, an everyday experience for the partners of addicts. Everything gets jumbled up, repeated over and over again and in the end, you can’t tell where your distress starts and their addiction ends. This is the first thing that needs addressing. I would strongly recommend that you get some counselling or group support from someone qualified in working with the partners of addicts. You need to find out who you are after all this and most importantly, what you want to happen now. Your husband is telling you he doesn't understand why he’s done these things but actually, even if he’s in denial of this, much of what has happened is due to his addictive behaviours, for which he has to take full responsibility.
It’s very unfortunate that his earlier attempt to get help was thwarted in the manner you describe. I’ve come across this problem many times. People aren’t considered to be ‘bad’ enough to receive the help that they actually desperately need. But having said this, it’s no good now your husband telling you he doesn’t really know what happened because here’s his chance to find out. I would suggest that you make it absolutely crystal clear that if there is to be any talk about going forward together as a couple, he must address his problems with someone qualified to help him. Addiction and all its related problems are incredibly difficult to overcome alone. Recognising and reaching out for help is often one of the first signs that someone is ready to start the road to recovery. It’s a very long journey and there are lots of difficult roadblocks along the way. But if he is asking you to stay with him, you should let him know you mean business about both of you getting help. Although he didn’t get the help he needed before there are many, many counsellors offering both individual and group work which he can access. Quite frankly, even if you decide you don’t want to be in this relationship any more, you will both always be parents and such he should recognise that getting help is not just about him, but also about being the dad your kids need him to be.
I want to say too, that obsessing about this other woman is actually the proverbial red herring. People do all kinds of things when they’re in the grip of addiction. They seek solace and support from all over the place. I don’t say this to excuse what’s happened – far from it. Your trust and what you thought you had has been severely dented but although going over and over what happened can seem inescapable, this is not the place to start. Don’t accept any nonsense about you being the cause of his wandering off to the other woman either. No one made him do this and I would suggest you see it as part of a much bigger problem for which he needs help.
I can appreciate that my rather strident tone here might feel overly assertive. But really what I’m wanting to encourage you to see who and where you are in all of this. Partners and kids are usually the collateral damage where addictions are concerned. The legacy can and often does last for years. Of course being supportive to a partner who wants to sort themselves out is an essential part of their recovery. But it really is very important to understand just what is meant by healthy support as opposed to a collusive one. These are often confused and confusing. Although it might be hard to hear, getting a real clarity about which one you might be supplying is essential so you can do more or less as required. Spending time with a qualified therapist will help you to sort out your own mind and I cannot emphasise enough how important this is both to you, the family and interestingly, to the addict.
From what you say, it looks like you and your husband are at a crossroads. The man you love or loved is still there but for the time being and maybe for longer, he is unavailable to you. This is a consequence of addiction. You don’t have to stay with him. Putting your emotional health first may mean it’s better that you separate. But a word of hope here too. Family recovery is possible. Some families find a way through. But if you choose this route, what you will have will certainly be different to what you had before, because the past can be understood and worked through, but not erased. That’s the misery of addiction. Get help, be clear with him and most importantly, don’t let this become the legacy against which the kids will always be measuring their lives. They need to be able to love their dad, just as much as you want to, but for very obvious reasons, are finding difficult to do right now. Going forward as a family is possible, but this needs everyone to understand what their role is in the addict's recovery, which is absolutely not picking up the pieces for him, no matter how tempting.
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Ammanda Major is a sex and relationship therapist and our Head of Service Quality and Clinical Practice
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