I feel so disconnected with my boyfriend - should I leave?

Ammanda says...

It doesn’t sound as if this is the right relationship for you. Look at how you describe what goes on; you tell me that he’s not connected with your family, he’s verbally abusive towards you and isn’t really interested in what you like to do/watch/listen to. So, with that in mind, what exactly are you getting from this relationship? From what you say, it feels like there’s part of you that doesn’t really believe that you deserve anything much better. I noticed how often you make reference to growing up poor, being a country person and being on the end of unkind comments from his mother. Sometimes feeling ‘less’ about ourselves can make us believe that we have to accept second best from relationships, when in fact, whether we’re poor, rich or anywhere in between and from wherever, none of these things mean it’s OK for anyone to be cruel and disrespectful.

I was also very interested in your comments about sex. What exactly does ‘getting the job done’ mean? The words you use suggest that it’s not exactly a warm and connecting experience. So I’m wondering if your own needs are getting met or whether it’s all about him.

In many ways, I think you may have taken on all the responsibility for keeping the relationship on the road. You’ve left him once but then went back because you felt bad. Why was that? Did he make you feel guilty about leaving him or did you feel you were so responsible for his happiness that you put your own to one side? Whatever happened, I really do think you could do with  some help to focus on your own needs and to recognise that you have a right to be happy.

From what you say, at the moment this relationship is making you very unhappy, but perhaps you stay with him because you feel there isn’t anything better. Lots of people do this. It’s usually because somewhere along the way, either they, their family or perhaps their partner has managed to maintain or promote the belief that this is all they deserve. Well, the good news is that you’re worth a great deal more than you’re currently getting from your boyfriend. However, the challenging bit is getting you to actually believe this is true. Unfortunately, all the time you’re with someone who is quite clearly unable to meet you on equal terms and value you as someone who is important and worth caring about, things are likely to carry on as before.

I’m also worried to hear you’re being ‘pulled further away’ from your family. For the most part, families are a source of strength. They can be an important part of who we are and how we make sense of ourselves. That doesn’t mean that they’re not also frustrating, annoying and sometimes disappointing. But it needs to be your choice about how you connect with them and if you feel they’re slipping away from you, this is another very good reason to seriously question this relationship.

I think you should take a good look at one of the sentences you’ve written above. You ask if you should ‘fix things’ or ‘give up’. It sounds like what you’re really saying here is that you either make it all better ‘with’ and ‘for’ him, or you somehow admit defeat and ‘failure’. I’d like you to look at this a little bit differently. If you chose to leave this relationship, you wouldn’t be ‘giving up’. What you would be doing is deciding that you understandably want a more loving and caring relationship than this one and you’re not putting up with his poor behaviour anymore. Now, that can be a hard thing to do.

One of the things that might make it seem even harder is your worry about losing your grandad. You’ve been hoping that your boyfriend could be the person to offer you the kind of support you’re used to from your grandad once nature has taken its course. Perhaps the thought of having neither man to support you is so painful that it stops you from seeing things in a different way. I imagine your grandad would want you to be with a man who loves and respects you - someone with whom you can co-manage all the stuff that life throws up sometimes. Maybe he’d also want you to feel able to ‘use’ all the support he’s given you to discover more about who you are and what you most want from life. Perhaps you could start making links with friends and other family members who can support you with some potentially tough decisions. I’d also suggest that maybe, if you can, you get some professional help from a counsellor. Spending some time like this can be a real help and support in finding your own strength and voice.

But lastly, a word of caution. In my experience, sometimes when partners like this realise that their girlfriend is growing stronger and finding her own voice, they can find all this very difficult to deal with and occasionally, start to behave more abusively. You need to be aware of this and take steps to keep yourself safe if he starts getting worse. Just remember: it’s not your job to make this man happy and you will not have failed if you decide to end the relationship. What you will have done is prioritise your own needs, which are just as important as everyone else’s (and that includes playing your guitar).