My parents can't be in the same room

This is terribly sad isn’t it? Here you are with your dad back in your life and the civilised, happy family events you crave seem just so out of reach. I can well imagine this must, at best, be frustrating and, at worse, mean you get dragged into taking responsibility for your parents’ behaviour. In other words perhaps the tables have been turned and you’ve ended up being the parent to your mum’s angry and resentful feelings and your dad’s belief that he can just pick up where he left off. That’s tough, unfair, and well, daft really because these are not your battles to sort out. So, let’s start there.

Although you say that the problem is your mum – it really isn’t.  The problem is that your mum was left to keep the show on the road, made a magnificent job of it but now has to share your attention with the man who left her.  So, you might say then that the real problem is how they make sense of those events in the light of now having grandchildren. Although your mum has every right to feel very angry with your dad, I guess it might be difficult for you because although you (I suspect) may be quite angry with him at some level, now he is here, wanting to be part of it all and the allure of that must be confusing and poignant in equal measure.

I’m also wondering about the ‘why now’ factor. Why has your dad suddenly turned up after being absent for so many years? If he expects things to be happy families, he is being very naïve. But it’s interesting that you think that your mum’s refusal to share the same space as him is what's causing the problem. Because in fact, the problem you really face is simply the outcome of the problem that's been there for a long time.

Situations like this are really powerful and can lead to terrible unhappiness. Having to choose who would attend the remaining part of your daughter’s birthday celebrations must have been excruciatingly hard and sad too. I’m sure you didn’t expect your parents to get along famously, but it seems that you did expect them to just be civil and get on with the job in hand – which was enjoying their grandchild’s party.

I think that maybe, each of your parents is struggling with this. Whenever we think someone whom we resent is being chosen over us, it raises all sorts of personal challenges linked to being appreciated, loved and wanted and also to being abandoned. The fear of being abandoned is almost primeval. It accounts for many unhelpful behaviours including demands to be chosen over another.  

My suggestion is that you shift positon and make some changes by not doing any choosing. There is no way you can choose. Some might say that really your dad should have to pay the price for only just turning up to the party as it were, but I take a different view. I would say that these are both your parents and grandparents to your kids. Their relationship finished and your mum was left to raise children with no help from him  what sounds like real aggravation from your dad’s family. She has every right to be furious. I suspect that seeing your dad must remind your mum of everything that happened back then and since and that must be very painful.  But here’s the thing: you have your own family to care for. I know your parents are part of that but there’s something here about ‘modelling’ an approach that neither favours nor abandons either of them. You have made the decision to have your dad in your life and in your children’s lives. That’s fine. It was your decision to make – not your mum’s. I think you have to leave the ‘fight’ to each of them. It isn’t yours and although you’re being invited to, don’t pick up the baton.  Your mum need you to say that because she was the one who brought you up you should take her side and that’s very understandable, but there is a bigger picture to consider which favours the future rather than the past.

Sometimes we all have a tendency to give a ‘situation’ the power when actually, it is us that has the power to do something about it – that is what you, and most of all your parents, need to remember here. Likewise it’s also useful to consider whose job it is to make any necessary changes. Sometimes the person who gets asked to do the sorting out (in this case by choosing one parent over the other) is not actually the person who should be undertaking that particular task. Sometimes this is down to the roles that family member assign each other, and sometimes it’s because we want to jump in and stop the pain. All very understandable, but ultimately not the answer in the long run.

I have often worked with separated parents of grown up children or one of the parents and the child, or sometimes just the adult offspring, and often the parents absolutely hated each other. They were exhausted by having kept all the misery, disappointment and sadness about whatever happened in their relationship going, and often wanted validation that their individual plight and pain was entirely justified, even to the detriment of everyone else’s lives. They came to see me because something like a child’s wedding was coming up and they had each thrown down an ultimatum to the bride or groom that if  that f******* b**** or b***** is invited then ‘count me out’. The pain and trauma this caused the child was huge and often led to having to choose one parent over the other. It’s the same here.  Your dad’s re-emergence has stoked up understandable anger and resentment resulting in demands that you make choices, and I think that your mum fears losing you to your dad at some level. So what to do now?

I suggest you speak with each parent separately. You explain that you want and need them to be a part of your own children’s lives. Be clear with each of them that your decision is not based on the roles that they did or did not play as you grew up, because their contribution to the future is not based on what happened then. Tell your mum you love and value her more than anything in the world and that nothing your dad can say or do will ever change this. I think you could also ask her what she would most want her grandchildren to be able to say about an old painful family situation when they look back at it as adults. I think it’s likely that your mum might want them to feel that something that happened so long ago no longer had the power to ruin family occasions with her grandparents – because no one allowed that to happen. Be clear that you have no need or expectation that your mum should or would heal the rift with your dad. Why should she? But perhaps you can also say that the grandchildren need to come first in all of this, and have a relationship with both their grandparents. There may be family occasions where she and her ex will both be present but you can explain how this does not mean she needs to have any connection with him and that where possible you would organize things so the chances of them being together are limited. However, your expectation is that when they do happen, you need and require that there are no outbursts, or ultimatums. Finally and most importantly, say to her that you will be telling your dad that he will not be allowed to control any family situation or event merely by turning up, and that he will be expected to play his part appropriately.

Now for your dad. I can imagine that you have conflicted feelings about his coming into your life. Perhaps over the years you’ve longed for this, even though as you say, you had a warm, loving upbringing from supportive people. The problem here, however, is that you may potentially find it very difficult to say  ‘no’ to him because if you, rather than him, start saying how things need to be, he might leave you – as he did to your mum. That is a risk of course. But here’s the thing, if you aren’t clear about what you need and want from your relationship with him, you will end up having the whole thing on his terms – something of which you’re already aware. It’s OK to let him know that his expectation to be fully included in family events needs careful consideration, because this has the potential to cause your mum great distress. It doesn’t mean he will be necessarily left out of things, but everyone is still feeling their way. He needs to accept this. I think you should be wary of him if it seems he cannot or will not take this point on board and conduct himself accordingly.

Whatever his motivation for getting back in touch he cannot simply rock up and expect everything to be as if nothing happened. Be clear with your mum and dad that you are prioritising the welfare and experience of their grandchildren, who play no part in this family upset. By focusing the attention on the needs of the grandchildren, as opposed to your mum’s anger and your dad’s unrealistic expectations, you are starting a different dialogue from which may come other more useful conversations. By taking this route, you’re not denying past hurts, rejection and pain. Instead you’re acknowledging that you’re here now, with your own family, a loving (but upset) mum, and a dad who has quite a lot to prove. Don’t try and manage them and their troubled past. It was theirs, not yours, and you would do well to remember that. None of us can change the past but when we want to, all of us can shift position on things when the occasion arises, such as family events, for the sake of making cherished memories for children – whether they’re small kids or adults.  It is their responsibility to do this. You have every right to expect them to play their part. Your children will thank you for it.